Featured Archives · Page 11 of 31 · Starting Over At Sixty

What’s Holding You Back?

July 8, 2019

So, what’s holding you back? Do you think you’ve conquered every demon you have inside from your past? I thought so, but it seems there’s always one more to squash.

Just when I think I have far surpassed my expectations for my new single life, that little devil on my shoulder brings me back to reality, and lets me know that he’s not going away anytime soon: that there will always be remnants of a long, unhappy marriage that alter my thinking via my emotions. Here’s what happened last week:

I have a little convertible that my husband bought me as a gift about 18 years ago. It was expensive: not something I would ever be able to afford now. I loved that car, but it did not fit with my new lifestyle: I couldn’t put a bike rack on it and I ride my bike a lot. And, if there was so much as a flake of snow on the ground I wasn’t going anywhere until the roads were clear. And, of course, it only had two seats.

I’ve needed to replace the vehicle, but my finances are so different from what they were before, and while I am not a totally material girl, I don’t mind admitting that I like nice things. I started to look but didn’t find anything that fit the bill. Then it happened: the clouds opened up to sunlight and the angels started singing and I found my a-little-less-than-new car. Worry set in that I couldn’t afford it, so I went to the dealership and they worked up the numbers and I walked out with a car. Hooray for me!

I honestly had no idea that my old car represented so much to me, but it did. It was holding me back. It was no different from the feeling I had when I was looking for an apartment prior to leaving my husband: the apartments all looked like the ones I had in college and I just couldn’t face the feeling of defeat. But when I walked into my one-room loft downtown I fell in love. I didn’t have to settle for less, I just had to find something that was me. It was the same with the car. Just because I have less money to spend doesn’t have to hold me back from, well, anything!

I learned a couple of lessons buying this new car. First, I created a solution to a situation that was causing me to feel grouchy, even though it was just a silly car. It was what the car represented that mattered. And, second, the way I was feeling about that car was holding me back. I had no idea. Crazy, right?

Now, I realize that there are lots of little things in my life that might be holding me back, that I don’t change, yet I don’t feel good about either. That realization, in my opinion, is huge. I can tell already that I am full of the most minute instances in which I am holding myself back.

I know, this doesn’t sound like much, but it has made a huge difference in the way I am looking at myself and my life and my past. And, the car can represent anything: a wedding ring, your mother’s furniture, even the house that you got in the divorce that is crumbling around you. All of this baggage, from my car to your house, has an effect on our outlooks. And, just by changing the roles of those “things” in your life, you can change everything.

I hope you will take this post and use it to motivate you to think about the things that hold you back. They can be big or small, but no matter the size, they can be critical to your outlook. I think what I am saying is Happy Independence Day!

Don’t Tell ‘Em!

July 1, 2019

If you have ever had a baby, I’m sure you had the thought, “Why didn’t anyone tell me what it would be like?” It felt like there were all these secrets that no one ever passed down, maybe because they were too gross and telling the truth about childbirth wasn’t going to make it hurt less, right?

Fast forward to today, a time when I can’t even remember what childbirth was like and don’t feel the need to refresh my memory. Now, I have all kinds of new secrets for those young women who still have so much of their lives ahead. I’m sure they don’t want to know these!

Age Spots Everywhere: I was sitting at the pool, in the shade mind you, with my daughter-in-law one day and looked at her legs, then looked at my legs, then back at hers, etc. They were gorgeous! I thought to myself, “I wonder if she thinks all of those spots on my legs have always been there? Actually, I would like to know what any of my kids think I looked like thirty years ago. And, it’s not just the spots, it’s the whole looseness of the skin and tissue beneath. Her legs were just, well, the only word I can think to use is admirable! I guess my legs looked like that at one time but I certainly don’t have any memory of it.
Breast Elevation: This is not about just the sagging, loosely constructed breasts of a sixty-something-year-old, but about the actual line of demarcation. I bought a sports bra at Lululemon about a year ago, without trying it on: I was traveling and forgot my sports bra, and had a lot of sports to do (not really). When I got back to my room and put it on, it was, as best I can explain it, high. It just started to high. So I lifted my right breast with all my might and got it in place, then did the same to my left. That was an education for me. My sagging skin isn’t just the breasts themselves, but starts at the shoulders, thus making the actual bottom of the breast begin closer to the waist. So, this young person bra actually isn’t “deep” enough for these bad boys. Since I figured this out I force myself to wear the bra as often as possible as proof that mine aren’t lower, but by the time I get home I can wait to rip it off.
Gray or Drooping, It’s Your Call: I am going to describe this as delicately as I can, but heed my warning, don’t try this at home. A few years back I decided to try a Brazilian Wax. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I did it. To say it is painful is an understatement, so I don’t know why, but I continued to do it. The only problem was this: the waxing gave me a bird’s eye view of my vagina and it too had begun to sag. A saggy vagina! No one ever mentioned that. So, I guess it is still the same distance from the breast elevation as discussed previously, but you have got to be kidding me. We can’t catch a break! I thought maybe it would be better not to see it, but guess what, now the hair is gray. So I either have a saggy, naked vag or a gray hairy one, right? Oh no, it gets worse. I had a tummy tuck a few years back and now my naked vagina is, again, no other way to describe this, tall. I have a tall, naked vagina to go with my “below the equator” breasts and spotted legs. Lovely!
Bye-Bye Chin: Young ladies, have fun allowing anyone to photograph your profile because that will end in just a few short years. Whether it’s your face or your body, it won’t be long before you will learn that from the tip of your chin to your collarbone is now a straight line. And, for me, from my breasts to my bottom is all kind of lined up as well. It’s kind of like the Mucinex Monster on commercials: it just all runs together. When I see a camera now, I stand tall facing it directly.
Growths: Finally, let’s talk about growths: any kinds of growths that just pop up on your skin. There are skin tags (super pretty and super pretty sounding, as well). There are sunspots, and some of those have some real texture to them. There are those red blood-looking spots like my Grannie used to have. I have some that are combination sunspots and skin tags (I think I should get extra points for those). And, I have some spots that the Dermatologist freezes off once a year but then I just have “freezer burn.”

I hope you are reading this with the humor that is intended. If we didn’t laugh at ourselves we might cry! And, let’s allow the younger women to go on thinking it won’t happen to them. Why ruin their day?

You Never Know When You are Saving a Life

June 27, 2019

I was having a cocktail with my friend Bart after returning from the holidays, and we were just rehashing our past couple of weeks and talking about what we each have to come in the months ahead. As we were clinking our glasses to the new year, I said, “You saved my life last year.” I meant it. I know it sounds dramatic, but he really had saved my life: he was the person who swept me up when I was a puddle on the floor. If you have been through a divorce you know what I am talking about. Or if you have been through any life-altering tragedy, you know.

He was the friend who dropped everything when I called sobbing and listened while I droned on and on about the daily issues I was facing as my 30-year marriage was collapsing around me. He was also the friend who told me I was wrong when I was wrong (which did not even happen one time, I must say).

Then I started thinking about other friends who, whether they knew it or not, had been a bridge for me to cross from one day to the next day when I wasn’t sure I would make it. It may sound dramatic, but if you have been there, you know. Each and every one was my lifesaver on one or more days. Whether it was a friend who told me he was proud of me or a couple who invited me over for Tuesday dinner, those have been as important to my forward motion as attorneys and accountants.

So my charge to anyone reading this is to remember to be a friend. That’s it, just be a good friend. Easy right? You never know what’s going on behind the scenes in someone’s life.

Being Single is the Greatest!

June 24, 2019

I have been writing to you for a few years now, about how it felt to start over after a long marriage. I have written about getting past loneliness, how to have confidence, how to make new friends, and how to make every second count. Well, I was a big, old fraud! That’s right, a fraud.

I told you a few weeks ago that my friend Brent called me out about the fact that I was still living my life as a woman who had been married for more than thirty years and had to start over. I believe his exact words were, “Boo Hoo. Then what.”

He was so right. I have been “preaching” to you about how great being single is, while not believing it myself. Well, that’s not quite true. I believed it, but only in the context of how I am since the divorce. Everything I have been writing to you is about my life as a single woman over sixty who finished in second place. Who didn’t get it right. Who is not living her dream. All of that is the cloud from which I have been writing to you.

Living with that unconscious framework around my life I now know, is weighing me down. So, it is weighing my writing down.

No More!

I think I have had in the back of my mind that things were somehow better in my old life, that I wish I still had it. And, nothing could be further from the truth, intellectually speaking. Emotionally, I have to challenge myself to know it, live it and shed the self-imposed weight of my past and really, really believe it. I need to believe that my life is better now than it was then because it is! I am a truly happy single woman.

Now, it may take me a while to catch up with my new liberated self, but catch up I will. What I want to say to you is that I am sorry: I was writing about all the power you should have while I wasn’t believing it. I thought I believed it, but I was wrong.

I Believe it Now

I have crossed a giant moat with this new realization and I want you to do the same. Whether your past is weighing you down or your current situation is not what you want it to be, shed that weight and you will breathe easier in a way you may have never breathed before.

I Love My Single Life

I love my single life, do you? Do you love your life or are you just telling yourself and everyone around you that you do? Dig deep to figure out how you really feel. Until you do you will never be fully happy.

What Do I Do with My New Freedom?

June 20, 2019

Repost from November 2015

Everything in my life is in upheaval. It is not all bad, but it is true. My thirty-year marriage is ending, I hope sooner rather than later. I have sold one business and will sign the papers this week for the sale of the second one. I am looking at a freedom that I have never had in my life

I was in the restaurant business and just hated every minute of it. Ten years ago when I made the decision to purchase the business, I was doing everything I could to feel like I was important, especially to my husband. After several bad, bad years I had finally pulled it out of the red when our parent company decided to make a major change. It was going to cost more money, so when buyers showed up at my door I already had a pen in hand, ready to sign.

But now I find that I am on the verge of complete freedom and I don’t know what to do with it. The kids are all in their twenties and live coast to coast. Many of my friends are beginning to retire or are becoming grandparents, which will not be happening for a while here.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. I know I am the luckiest girl in the world. But I don’t really have a compass guiding me, even a little. Just a great big ball of nothing is in front of me. Isn’t that always the way: when I am super busy I long for a day to sit in front of daytime TV and knit. And when I have time to do that, I wish someone needed me. Just as I am sitting here I am telling myself to relax. Let life happen, because it is going to happen anyway.

In the meantime, I am going to finish a sweater that I started knitting. I will start sewing again. I am signing up for Pilates classes. Yes, I am doing it all!

Also, many, many people are going to be calling me to hire me. They are probably talking about me right now. Don’t you think?

I am going to have a party…that’s right, a big party for Christmas. I will show off my new apartment. I’m sure that someone will bring a handsome single man to said party. I will fall in love. Wait, he will fall in love with me. Better. Everyone will envy my new found freedom and will comment on how my new life agrees with me.

The next day, I will clean up…and probably cancel pilates class.

Paula

Featured