Relationships and Dating
Do you trust yourself? Really trust yourself and your thoughts and intuitions? I thought I did. I sure did when I was young. I knew everything about myself, and everything else for that matter!
After I became single at sixty, I was able to step back and look at my adult life and see where I went wrong, how my marriage had changed me, figure out what made me make some really bad decisions, and how I got where I am today. You know, the rundown of my life that goes around and around in my head at night when I can’t sleep. Please tell me I’m not the only one!
Last night was no exception: I tossed and turned for hours, ruminating about a couple of areas of my life. While I turn over from my right side to my left I am saying to myself, “What is wrong with you? What are you so worried about ALL THE TIME?”
And, here it is: I don’t trust myself. Crazy but true. I don’t trust myself after years of making terrible life choices, I just feel I can’t depend on myself. I hate it, but it’s true. Where did that come from, for the girl who thought she had the world by the tail once upon a time? The following seem to be common themes in my worried world:
Lack of Time
Time, or the lack of it, seems to hang over my head always. I feel a fear that I just don’t have enough time to still make some of my dreams come true. But, there is very little rationality to that thinking. Yes, I am not young and my new biological clock is ticking (the one that is counting down the total days, not the baby-making ones). Guess what? It was always ticking, it was just much less likely that it would stop when I was young! I now feel this nagging urgency that I have written about several times. The urgency feels so strong that I have butterflies in my stomach when I wake up. But, is it worth losing sleep over?
I have no illnesses that I know of, I am in fairly good shape and there is no reason for me to fear that the end is near, but I do and I want to stop right now! I would much rather lose sleep over something I can control, or over something that is actually real!
Lack of Funds
I can’t be alone in worrying about money in my mid-sixties, but that doesn’t make it any better. I think I have enough, and I am not retired by any means, but that constant fear about money haunts me night and day. I put money away every month like a good girl, I watch my spending, all the things that I am supposed to do but it still doesn’t make me feel calm and secure. Even my financial advisor told me to lighten up (not her exact words).
I have always had confidence in myself and my ability to earn a living, and it’s not that I have changed my mind on that, but I do feel like I can’t see a clear path to living the life that I want to live. Someone tell me the direction I should go and I’ll just do it (maybe that’s the problem)!
Love
This is a big one for me. I am finding that I don’t quite trust myself when it comes to picking a partner (as if I have a swarm of men at my door and I just need to point to one). Clearly, I didn’t make a great decision when I picked the man I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. And my relationship after that had a sad ending. What now? Don’t know, but I can tell you I don’t sleep at all when I have met someone who I kind of like and who likes me because it activates the worry wagon in my head. I put a lot of pressure when it comes to matters of the heart and I’m not sure that’s necessary. Rats!
I do know that every woman I know that I talk with in my age group feels unsettled. It is an unsettling age, for sure, and I had no idea that it would be. But I want to find a way to reduce the anguish in my brain at night and enjoy all of the great things in my life, while I have them. Maybe that’s the angst.
Do my Starting Over at Sixty Sisters have the same feelings? Any ideas for a more calm, settled Paula?
Read MoreRepost from 2/18/2016
If you know what “a TV dinner for Valentine’s Day,” is, then you are my age or older!
I was in a bad mood just thinking about it…Valentine’s Day. It has probably been forty years since I had no Valentine in my life. I was ready for a meltdown. Ready to cry myself to sleep on the night before and after. Ready to break out the Gin. But much to my surprise, nothing happened. I survived Valentine’s Day alone.
Now, I have plenty of sadness about my thirty-year marriage coming to an end. And as I watched loving couples walk hand-in-hand into the restaurants nearby I was envious. But my reality is and was very different. My marriage was very much about how things looked from the outside. It was all a big pile of going-through-the-motions.
Who knew how great Valentine’s Day could be. It was below zero outside, so I settled in for the weekend. Saturday night I watched The Devil Wears Prada, only one of the finest motion pictures ever made. I watched SNL with Melissa McCarthy. Sunday, I decided to start watching Empire by recommendation of my son, Ryan. I plopped myself down in front of the TV, grabbed my computer for some tax work and got down to business. I got to episode 5! The taxes still need work. Did some homework for my accounting class and cleaned out my emails. I then moved on to RHOA, Downton Abbey, and KUWTK. To lighten things up I binge watched The Mindy Project and Veep. So productive and so pop culture all at the same time. My eyes are a little dry but I powered through!
I had no idea Valentine’s Day could be so fun and I can’t wait until next year when I plan on adding in some hot chocolate!
Read MoreAre you ready for some science and dating? In the last couple of weeks, I have come to follow a man who professes to have many of the answers when it comes to dating: I can always use a little help. Today’s email took me to this New York Times article that chronicles the author’s use of 36 questions on a date. I found her experience not only interesting but it would appear that it might have been a successful one, too.
She followed the findings of Dr. Arthur Aron and she and her date decided to take on Dr. Aron’s 36 questions. I don’t need to dissect the article and Dr. Aron’s questions, you can do that yourself, but, it looks like it isn’t a task for the faint of heart: it is a pretty extensive undertaking. I’m not saying it’s a chore, rather an investment of time into a possible relationship.
As I read the questions and imagined what it would be like to do the exercise with someone across the table, I groaned a little inside. Then I thought about whether or not a relationship is worth the time and the answer is, of course, yes. Even more worthwhile in my mind, is finding out that a relationship isn’t in the cards.
Take a look at the New York Times article then look over Dr. Aron’s questions and see what you think. The technique isn’t for everyone, but I might give it a try if I am in a position in which I need some clarity.
Let me know what you think about Dr. Aron’s method. Do you have any rituals that you go through to see if someone is right for you or if you should hit the road? Is Dr. Aron’s exercise something that you would be willing to try? Good luck with finding love if love is, in fact, what you are looking for.
Read MoreYou’ve heard the expression, “When one door closes, another one opens.” Well, it’s true. And, if you are single and 50, 60, 70 or beyond, a door has, most likely, closed in your face in a big way. You are divorced or widowed or have always been single and might wish that that hadn’t been the case. But, at some point, either a door closed or you figured out that something had come to an end.
So here we are, women who have had doors closed in our faces, some harder doors to take than others. What do we do about it? Do we lay down and feel sorry for ourselves or do we make it so that another door opens? You know the answer to that, right?
It’s hard to admit when you have lost something, maybe hardest to admit to ourselves. Accepting that a door is closed is tough. It’s over. But, you know what I am going to say here, it’s what you do with that ending that makes all the difference in how your life moves forward.
I have a friend who has been looking for a new job for probably two years. No joke, two years! Every door closed in her face and I am not telling you that she didn’t go a bit berserk over the months and months of trying: interview after interview with lots of hopeful signs, then no thank you. I spent many a Friday night after a rejection talking with her and friends about what she could do next. We all just kept saying that eventually something would happen and guess what? It just did and I have a feeling that it is going to be the best option out of all of those who didn’t want her!
What does it feel like to have a door slammed in your face? Bad. Really bad. Then I like to get mad at the slammer and I feel that is perfectly normal, right?
But then the magic happens: someone or something new and better comes along and I forget all about that evil door (aka man, job, other woman, client who says no, dress that doesn’t fit now). There is nothing like the feeling of the other door opening. Nothing. It lightens your steps, it eases your mind and you are a new woman.
Here’s what I want to tell you: another door always opens. Always. Even when the worst is happening to you, something good can come into your life and help ease your pain, whether emotional or physical, real or imagined, the pain will get better.
I want you to keep this in your mind and when a door closes this week, remember that another, I promise, will open.
Read MoreI am working on a book and here is a brief intro. I would love for you to give me your advice about being single and over 50. Let me know what you think about the book and tell me what your biggest obstacles have been. Can’t wait to hear from you.
If you are over 50 and single it’s likely that a series of events has brought you to this place: and even more likely that all of those events were not pleasant ones. Probably, life has dealt you some rotten cards along the way.
Through my website, startingoveratsixty.com, I have met and talked with so many women who are single and feel like something is missing in their lives. Life hasn’t always been kind to them and they are just a little bit sad. They want to be happier but need some help figuring out how to get there. I get it. When I first became single I felt like a deer in the headlights: I had no idea how to move forward. I was in pain, I was lonely, I had been married forever, I needed to make new friends, I lived in a new neighborhood, I didn’t know if I was going to have enough money. You name it, I was lost.
I began writing about how unhappy I was and through that writing I began to understand that the only way things would get better would be if I changed them. And, I was not going down without a fight! So I made it my mission to change my life and make it a happy one. I can honestly say that I am as happy as I have ever been and I want all of you to be living at your best level, too. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a shrink. I am not a wellness expert, but I am a woman who knows when she needs to make changes to her life and does it.
Why am I writing this book? Because I hear from so many women who are looking for ways to improve their single lives and I think I can help. I hope you find some nuggets of ideas that you will work into your own life. Let’s go!
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