being alone

5 Keys to Conquering Loneliness

August 5, 2019

I published this article a little over a year ago and I still get comments on it, so I thought I would repost it for you ladies.  Hope it gives you some good ideas.

So, you are starting over on a new path and you are killing it!  You are happy, you are fulfilled and you are living the life you have always dreamed of living. But, no matter how much you keep telling yourself how great your new life is, you are lonely. Yep, there are times when you are crushingly lonely.

For me, as my marriage of more than 30 years ended, I began moving forward with a vengeance: I was never going to look back, I told myself, and, the truth is, I didn’t.  I didn’t romanticize my marriage in my head. But, the hard facts are that lots of the important family events had to be divided in two now: some with Mom and some with Dad.  And, while I was prepared to share our adult children, there were times that it just brought me to my knees.  I had to keep reminding myself that half of the holidays with my children now is hundreds of times better than the holidays of the past: everyone was enjoying them but me back then.

I had to come up with ways to fight off the demons that sat on my shoulders and told me how much better my life was when I was married.  So I did just that: I fought them off.  I don’t mean to sound flip about the heartache of loneliness in the moment.  But I am suggesting that if you try to be proactive and make plans to get you through the rough patches ahead of time, you will, at least, feel proud of yourself for not just letting loneliness run you over and flatten you like a pancake.

Make a Plan

The first time I was going to be alone on Christmas morning I could see it coming.  I was not going to like it one bit.  I knew I would be with my adult children the rest of Christmas day, but I dreaded waking up alone and having a big pity party.  So, I talked with a friend who was not busy until later in the day as well.  We decided to go to a movie in the morning.  It was great.  I got up, I was happy.  I was doing something that I love, going to a movie. And, when the movie was over, I would be coming home and having the rest of the day with the kids.  By having a plan in place I was able to push through what could have been a disastrous morning.

Learn Something New

I am a pretty social person, and I do not like being alone when I think everyone else in the world is having fun without me.  Where I live, college football is everything.   I honestly don’t care one bit about the game itself, but I love the tailgating before.  I have found that I get a little blue on those game days.  Rather than sitting on the couch and feeling sorry for myself, I find that learning something new makes me feel proud of myself and productive in the moment.  I have a running list of things I would like to learn more about, whether it is being better at social media or learning a new knitting stitch or figuring out how to put on false eyelashes, it makes me feel good to know that I moved the needle forward rather than boohooing.  I always feel good learning new things.

Plan a Trip

Nothing, in my opinion, is more fun than planning a trip.  It doesn’t need to be huge, just something that I can get excited about.  The planning is the best part of the trip anyway so I can spend hours figuring out where and when to go, what to see and where to stay.  It takes up a lot of time and entertains me.  I might plan a trip for myself or for me and my children, which makes the planning even more fun.  We can communicate about what to do and where to go and it is just fun.  If I am traveling alone, I keep in mind that maybe one day we might want to do this as a family.

No Commiserating if Your Goal is Conquering Loneliness

This is a hard fast rule: do not spend time with someone who is a Debbie Downer when you are already going down that sadsack rabbit hole.  All that will do is bring you down more.  It just isn’t a good idea, anytime, and certainly not when you are feeling blue.  Save that for another day.

Eat Ice Cream

This is the most important advice I can give any woman who is feeling lonely.  Eat ice cream.  Eat ice cream until you can’t move!  The end.  It is nature’s little anti-depressant and cures your woes.  Of course, I am kidding.  Sadly I ate ice cream every time I was lonely or sad in my marriage.  I ate a lot of ice cream.  Too much and I am paying the price.  But, it got me through a lot of troubled times.  My point is, go easy on yourself.  If treating yourself is what you need to help you move through a rough patch, have at it.

Starting your life over at any age is not an easy task, and starting over a little later in life is that much more difficult.  Remember, your life is only going to get better when you take charge.  I would love to hear any suggestions that have worked for you to get yourself through difficult times. Share your strategies here and you might read some new ones from other readers.

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Loneliness, Again

September 30, 2018

I can’t count the number of times I have written a post about loneliness. I think it is one of the most important factors in the lives of single women over fifty, and it is the main culprit in diminishing the quality of our lives if we let it. Some loneliness we just have to accept as part of life and growing older, but if you pay attention to the signs of loneliness and what is causing it for you there is a way to manage it.

Webster’s Dictionary defines loneliness as being without company. That’s alone in my book, not loneliness. Or sad from being alone. Nope, that’s not it either. Then it goes on to extend the definition as producing sadness and bleakness. Now that is closer. But I think I have come up with an explanation for my own lonely times that is helping me learn to better cope.

You need to know this, I love being alone. I always have. It might stem from my being an only child, a child who probably had more privacy than my friends who had three or four or five children in the family. As soon as I graduated from college, I got my own apartment. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like people, I do. As a matter of fact, I am super social. I love to be around lots of people. At the same time, I love reading and knitting and watching television alone. I can entertain myself for hours and days and weeks. Having time alone is awesome.

I am happy to be alone until it hits me that my children and friends are having fun without me! I am talking about holidays or long weekends traveling: when I think everyone is out having fun and I am not I get lonely. I feel left out and I feel sad. So I believe loneliness is not just being alone, it is being alone and missing something. Missing out. Missing something that you used to have or do. I was talking with a woman yesterday who told me that since her partner died she is so lonely. I get that: she had one life that she enjoyed and now that is gone and she misses it. Loneliness is in the missing.

One of the loneliest feelings for me is when my adult children are with their dad, now that I am divorced. It is not that I think they are having more fun with him than they are with me (don’t worry, they are not). It is the feeling that my time with them is cut in half, that I don’t get the whole holiday or visit. Just my part of it. Hate it hate it hate it and that is probably the loneliest feeling in the world.

So what can I do to combat the lonely times in my life? What can you do? First, plan ahead. Thanksgiving comes around every year and this year will be no exception. Get ready for it. I have been planning my holiday, well probably since last year. You don’t have to go that far, but make sure you have a plan in place, whether that is a movie or a Turkey Trot or dinner with friends. Never ever think that you can just ride it out with a good book and a bottle (did I say bottle? I meant glass) of something. You will end up more depressed and feel more alone than you did before. I have three holiday weekends that make me come unglued: Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day and Labor Day. Two are freezing and dark and one signals the end of summer. I know myself and I know I need to plan for those. If I don’t I will be miserable. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just something that keeps me occupied and happy and busy.

So prepare yourself. Don’t let that monster eat you, you eat that loneliness monster!

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You Can Make New Friends at Any Age

April 22, 2018

 

 

 

If you are starting over and feeling lonely, just remember that you can make new friends at any age. If you think that sounds like work, it is. But, it’s necessary and worthwhile. One thing I realized when I was starting over was that as much as I loved my friends, most of them were married. I was married. We were all married together. And as much as I love them and they are still a huge part of my life, they had a life at home. I did not. We went out together (I am a lucky girl. Most of my friends seem to not mind having me tag along.) and then they went home together and had a family life. My life is not like that anymore.

It wasn’t very long until I figured out that I had to attack this loneliness head-on.  Sitting at home crying myself to sleep had to stop. No one was going to find me in my apartment: that’s like sitting in a movie theater waiting to be discovered!  So, I found some ways to get to know new people, people who were not part of my past.  They know me as I am now.  If you need help with loneliness try these tips.

Volunteer

Whether it is faith-based or through your community or is directed where you work, get yourself into some volunteer activity.  Not only are you doing something good-hearted, which makes you feel better automatically, you make friends with the people on either side of you.  You are working together.  You already have something in common, you like to help others.  If it is a recurring activity, you will naturally bond with your fellow volunteers and coffee or a glass of wine can’t be far behind.  Everyone has a passion for something philanthropic, so get engaged in it and see what happens.  You will reap such benefits:  you will feel good about what you have accomplished, you will meet new friends, you will fill some time if you are feeling like you have too much isolated time in your new life, and you will let a few more people in the world know that you are single and looking for other opportunities to meet new friends.  And, best of all, you spend some time not thinking about yourself, which is an unavoidable byproduct of the turmoil in your life.  Bingo!

Take a Class

Want to learn something new?  Then, learn it!  For me, it’s knitting.  I like to knit.  I like to take knitting classes.  When I take a class I am usually with women around my age so those are new friends.  We talk while we knit, so we get to know each other.  If we enjoy each other’s company we might get a cup of tea afterward.  You may be thinking that you would like to meet some men as well.  Take a class that offers you that opportunity.  Any class, or training, allows you to improve yourself and make some new acquaintances, male or female, at the same time.  You can even plan to take another class together, to keep the friendship going.

I love spending time with young people.  And, taking a class at a local university or community college allows you to do that, again, while bettering yourself.  I am a lifelong Spanish class taker:  I have taken so many Spanish classes without seeming to learn a word of Spanish, but I keep trying and I have met some lovely young people in the process.

Become a Regular

OK, I’m sure that this will not sit well with some of you but just keep reading and I think you will stop judging me!  When I left my big fancy home and moved to a one-room loft space downtown I had some bleak evenings.  I could walk into my place at 5:00 and not talk to another soul until the next day.  Once I walked Red, my cute dog, we were done for the night.  Horrible.  So, I walked myself down to one of the restaurants on my block and sat down at the bar.  I introduced my self to the bartender, Tony, who was the Thursday night bartender.  I told him I was new to the neighborhood and that was all I had to do.  He introduced me to a couple of guys who were super connected around my area and they helped me know about the neighborhood organization that meets monthly.  I ran into a couple who I had known in my previous life and they invited me to a party.  Needless to say, I went to that restaurant every Thursday night and still do.  I did the same thing at another place near me and had the same results.  And, it can be a neighborhood coffee shop: it doesn’t have to be a bar.  Just a place where you can walk in and introduce yourself and let people know that you are there and want to be social.  Is it hard to walk into a bar and sit down by yourself?  Absolutely.  But without having done that, I would still be sitting in my apartment watching Wheel with Red.

Meetups

If you don’t know about meetups, here you go https://www.meetup.com.  There is a meetup in every city around the world about any topic that you can imagine.  They are held at restaurants and coffee shops and are groups of people who have similar interests.  It is exactly what it sounds like, you meet up and discuss the topic of choice.  So, there is a knitting meetup.  There is a Spanish meetup that I want to attend but am too afraid since I have learned virtually no Spanish!  There is a running meetup.  There is a social media meetup.  There is a French meetup.  There is a wine enthusiast’s meetup.  There is a parenting meetup.  You name it, there is a meetup for it.

Please don’t think that I am being flip about loneliness.  I did all of these things and I was still lonely after my marriage broke up.  Years lonely.  Still sometimes lonely.  But, you must be proactive and you must do the work that it takes to get yourself back on your feet.  Try just one of these tips and you will be amazed at how you will feel.  And, if you have some tried and true methods of beating loneliness, please let me know in the comments.  If you know someone who might benefit from these tips, please share with her.

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You Can Learn A Lot About Yourself by Being Alone

February 26, 2018

You can learn a lot about yourself by being alone.  It’s not always a bad thing.  I have learned way more about myself when I am on my own than I have when I am in a crowd.  That crowd Paula is happy and loud and funny.  When I am alone, I’m just Paula.  My time alone means time to think, time to process and time to understand what I like and what I don’t like.  And, if you are not a person who spends much time alone, you need to start.  It can be lifesaving.  Without that time, that time to rest your mind and kind of zone out for a while, it is difficult to get centered.  It is hard to fuel back up without putting on the brakes every once in a while.

Becoming Comfortable Alone

I have to say, I have always been comfortable alone.  The man I was married to for more than thirty years was not.  I was an only child so I always had my own room.  I could hang out in my room for hours and hours and do nothing.  It was my nest.  I would do handstands against the door of my closet hour after hour (what would happen if I had to do a handstand now?  I can picture my arms just crumbling to rubble and me landing on my head!)  I would just hang around in my room  and I like to think that the time was spent making me who I am today.  That was the time for imagination and dreaming and wondering why some boy didn’t call me, then deciding I didn’t want him to call me anyway, then crying because that boy who I didn’t want to call me anyway, didn’t call me.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been comfortable being alone.  I’ve been lucky enough to have lots of friends throughout my life and loved being in big houses full of other kids when I spent the night when I was young, but I got to come home and spend the rest of my time the way I wanted to, without much interruption.

I was also a kid who learned to sew and knit, so as I grew up I usually had some project going, like crocheting blankets for my parents and friends for Christmas.  I could sit in front of the TV making something for someone for hours and be content.  I was happy.

When Alone Time Can’t Be Found

Then I got married and had kids and worked outside the home on and off and there was not one minute alone! And, just when I thought I was alone, a baby would cry or a husband would moan and I was back at it.  It didn’t take long for me to figure out that without alone time, I was a crab!  Looking back,  I just needed that time to reset and regroup and get back to center before I went out the door the next day.  Life seemed to0 never let up until the kids were out of the house.  Boy, did I have alone time then!

Alone When it is Not by Choice

The sad part of being alone is when you are and don’t want to be and it is all there is.  That is true loneliness and not fun and not happy.  When I was first on my own again I had a lot of nights when I was alone and lonely and no amount of knitting could make that better.  I could have wrapped the world in wool and would have still been lonely.  I know alone and I know lonely and lonely is not a choice.  It is having no one and nothing to go to and it is ugly.  Even making the choice to be alone can make you lonely for a while.  But the two are not interchangeable and I can be lonely in a room full of people and was for most of my marriage.

So, get to know yourself and know whether you need time alone or not.  If that is missing in your life you can fix that.  Carve it out.  Find that time to recharge.  I am aware that I have to have that to be happy.  For me, it is as important as sleep, that is certain.  And, learn to enjoy that alone time.  You deserve it.

 

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Gain Confidence Through Travel

February 5, 2018

I know as a single woman in her later years, it might be scary to think about travel alone.  I get it.  I wasn’t sure I could even do it, but I can and I do.  As a matter of fact, I have been able to gain confidence through travel on my own.

When it comes to vacations, my former husband and I had such different ideas that I now realize that I have been traveling by alone all my adult life.  There is hardly any difference, except that there is not another body at the dinner table.  But if I am honest with myself, that was all my husband was when we went on trips, another body.  He was always very busy checking scores: it seemed to be a full-time job.  His other activities were finding a sporting event in the area to attend, finding a local golf course and finding a sports bar to watch sports-anything. So, to say that traveling by myself is new isn’t quite accurate:  I have always made my own plans for travel.

Gain Confidence

So, if you want to travel as a single woman but feel unsure about it, start small.  My adult children live in great cities around the country, so if I am visiting them for a weekend, I usually add a day or two on the beginning or end of the trip to scout out shops, restaurants and culture (OK, no culture).  That is the perfect way to to make arrangements for travel with the safety net being your children or other family members.

I have also found that registering for an event or conference that sounds interesting to you is a great way to travel alone. You meet people there to maybe have dinner with or at least sit next to for the day.  I am a knitter, so once a year I go to Vogue Knitting Live in New York.  I take classes during the day for a couple of days, see a play, try a new restaurant and do a little shopping on the extra day that I add in.

All these baby steps will give you the confidence to do more.  And, confidence is sexy.

Some Trips are Better Than Others

So, those are easy, right? Not all travel is that easy alone.  I had to spend about a week in Florida by myself last year and you might think that would be heavenly.  It was not.  I sat by myself on the beach all day watching lots of families having a great time.  I rode a bike during the day by myself.   I then would force myself to go to one of the local restaurants and get something to eat at the bar, hoping to have someone to talk to during dinner.  I did not.  Then I would go back to my sad little room and do the same thing the next day.  The lesson learned?  I don’t need solitude.  I am single and I have solitude out the wazoo!  I need a little interaction.  Now, if I want to take a trip somewhere and don’t have a companion or plan, I look for classes in the area.  Cooking classes are number one on my list because you interact with the natives.  They can give you ideas as to what to do and what to see in the area.  It can be anything, just use it as a way to talk and interact with locals.  You have to give yourself a little push now and then when you are on your own but it is worth it.

So, now my story about confidence and learning about myself through travel.  Yesterday I decided to go horseback riding, which is something I do not do.  I wanted to expand my horizons, and I did.  I learned that I will have much more confidence if I ever do that again because I will wear a Depends!

 

 

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