change
I work with single women over 50 in my WingWoman Program. I ask each woman what she wants to change in her life, and all of them tell me several areas of their lives that aren’t going well. Then, without exception, each one tells me why she can’t change things, and I am always reminded of the phrase made popular by Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you? What you are doing right now, how’s that working for you?”
So, without saying that, I talk with them about how they can make adjustments that will get them closer to their goals, and the next phrase I hear is, “My problem is…” That one sentence is one that sends me over the top.
You say that you want to make changes, and that must be true or you wouldn’t be talking with me. However, every woman I work with holds on tight to who she is now, without putting any work into moving toward what she wants.
So, do we really want to change the direction of our lives for the better, or do we want something to complain about? Do we want to hold on to those very actions that are keeping us from what we “say” we want? I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I do know that if you change your actions, you can change the direction of your life.
Now, if I am working with someone who says she wants to make new friends who have some similar interests, I might suggest that she look into joining a meetup group. When the excuse on the other end is, “Well, they meet on Saturday mornings and that’s when I go to the grocery because it is the only time I can do that,” I hit her with good old Dr. Phil. And, honestly, if I get pushback, I know that the changes are all talk.
A few months ago I felt like I was just so unhappy. I was depressed. I cried all the time. I wasn’t motivated to do anything. I was miserable. I knew I had to make some plans to move myself forward and away from the doldrums. Not just talk about it but actually get into action. And I did and it worked and I am a new woman from the actions I took!
So, if you are wishing you could make some changes, stop the excuses for why you can’t make them happen and remember Dr. Phil. “What you are doing now, how’s it working for you?”
Read MoreRepost from 3/8/2016
It has been clear to me for a long time that I am not the same girl I used to be. I changed along the way, and I didn’t know if I was coming back.
I always felt that I was kind of fun to be around. And, I certainly thought my husband would agree. But, from the start of our marriage, I was, apparently, mistaken. I felt like “the old ball and chain,” and I knew that wasn’t me. But I must have been…right? Why else would he treat me that way?
So I would try harder and harder and harder. And, by the time I realized that I had built a fortress around myself to protect me from the heartache, the old Paula was long gone. I knew what would fix it, but I couldn’t do it.
I used to have a saying, “for a better marriage, just lower your expectations.” It worked for me but is so sad.
I can say without hesitation, I was enough. Our family was enough. Our family should have been the focus, not a distraction.
I can breathe now. While I am so sad that my marriage didn’t make it, it makes me happy to know that my children will get to know the real Mom all over again. I think they will be surprised at the me that they didn’t know existed. The happy, light-hearted, fun person who had been buried under the weight of an unhappy marriage and all the sadness that came along with that. They will get to know Paula, not just Mom. Can’t wait for that to happen.
There are plenty of things that I don’t love about being single since my marriage of more than thirty years ended: it can often be a very lonely life. I sometimes wish I had someone to talk with about ideas or plans or family issues. I wouldn’t mind having another body in my house to do a chore or two (not that I ever had that kind of help when I was married!). And, it’s not that great to watch the Academy Awards by myself (My dog, Red, hasn’t seen any of the movies. Haha!).
But, when I find that I am feeling sorry for myself about being single, I have to remind myself about all of the things that are really great about being single at this stage of my life.
Here are a few:
It’s dinner time and I have nothing in the fridge. No worries. There is a bag of popcorn and a half gallon of ice-cream at my fingertips!
Let’s see, I have no plans to go anywhere today so I think I will brush my teeth. That’s it. Yoga pants, sweatshirt, brushed teeth. Then, when I go to bed, I will brush my teeth again.
There is not a sports event of any kind on
I have a pink sofa. That’s right, my living room has a pink sofa in it. My bed has a pink blanket on it. I have some new dishes that are pink. I get to be a girl and decorated my new abode for me and me alone. While it isn’t a very frilly place, it is clear that a girl lives here and I love it. Everything is bright and cheery and just a little girly.
If there is a pile of clothes on the floor, it’s my pile. If there are dishes in the sink, they are mine. Honestly, my place is always clean, something I have never experienced. I had only heard tell of a land where the homes remained clean for more than a day.
Let me add the fact that I get all the closet space and all the bathroom counter space. And, I don’t go to sleep with the sports on in the background.
Listen, I thought I would be married forever and I will always regret that it didn’t happen, mostly for my children. But, I’ve learned to celebrate the pieces of my life that I really enjoy, and there are plenty of those.
What do you like about being single and over 50? There is so much life to enjoy during this act of
If you have ever attended a business conference or taken a business class you’ve most likely heard about an elevator pitch. The elevator pitch is a discription of what you do or what your business is in a short amount of time (in case an important influencer in your life gets on an elevator with you and asks you what you do). Not only is it important in a business setting, but to me, it is an important tool to have in your arsenal when people ask you about yourself. I bring this to your attention because I have found that I don’t have an elevator pitch about myself and it is an uncomfortable spot to be in. I want to change it.
For more than 30 years if someone asked me what I did, I would say that I am the married mother of three children, two boys and one girl. I would tell them where we lived and what my children were into. I would tell them about my husband’s occupation. I am not apologizing for it: that was who I was. Then, I went into the restaurant business, but if you asked me who I was, I would rattle off the family stuff first then the business side of me (now I see how telling that was as to my commitment to the restaurant world). I still saw myself in the wife and mother role first.
But when I left my marriage, that all changed. My answer to, “Who are you and what do you do,” became garbled. I didn’t know what to say. I still think of myself as a wife and mother. That is who I am to my core. But, I have been fired from the wife role. And, to say that I am a mother is hardly who I am to the world any longer. So, who am I?
So now what? Well, it is time to come up with a new elevator pitch and it might be time for you to do the same. Because, no matter what your marital status or age, you are something and I want you to know who you are as well. If you can define it for yourself, then maybe you can define it for others. And, that one statement about who you are is very powerful. It not only lets others know about you, but it can give you a sense of confidence to be able to rattle off a strong statement about who you are.
I found myself stumbling through an introduction last week that got me started on this bandwagon: I was on a plane with a friend and the young man next to me asked me what I do. My friend replied, “she’s an author.” I immediately said, “No I am not an author.” I told the young man that I write a blog, which I felt was much more realistic. I was embarrassed but guess what, shame on me for not having an answer ready in my head.
Add to our changing lives, our age. I am 63. Some of my friends are retired. Some are not. I have friends who have worked inside the home all their lives and their roles are now changing as well.
Women 50+, whether single or married, are all at a real crossroads in their lives. I know I am. And, it is as important for you to know your elevator pitch about yourself as it is for others to hear it. Here’s what I want you to do: create your own elevator speech. Start writing down words that you think fit who you are right now, not who you used to be. If that’s hard for you, don’t give up. Keep trying to come up with words or phrases that describe who you are. Don’t worry, it will come to you, maybe not right away, but you will figure it out. Just jot them down for as long as it takes you: a day, a week or a month. Remember, your elevator pitch can be a living description of you: it doesn’t have to stay as is.
I would show you mine if I had one but I don’t, so I am doing the exercise along with you and will publish it when I feel like I have a description of myself and what I do and who I am.
I promise you, when you have your own personal elevator pitch you will be able to, not only tell others who you are, you will better know who you are as well. It sounds like I am joking, I know, but knowing who you are is important. If you love it and love who you are, great. If you aren’t happy with what your description says about you, guess what, you can change it! But, you can’t know what kinds of changes you want to make until you know what it is about your life that makes you unhappy.
So, please please please tell me your elevator pitch about who and what you are. You will be taking a giant step toward being the woman you want to be.
Search through my blog posts