confidence
I just noticed that one of my old posts for Sixty and Me has just been highlighted on the homepage, so I re-read it, and I liked it! In it, I talk about the fact that confidence is sexy, that an assured attitude is hot! You can take a look here.
Seeing that reposted made me realize that I am sick and tired of talking about being locked down, about illness, about restarting our country, and about how lonely it has been. Done, done, done!
It feels great to think about other attributes of our personalities like confidence rather than perseverance. I am happy to think about lightness of spirit rather than steadfastness. Hooray for giving thought to how I look rather than how fast I can get through the grocery store. I don’t mind saying that I miss regular life a little.
So please go to Sixty and Me and read it as if we aren’t under quarantine and lockdown and as if things will be more lively soon. And, while you are there, take a look at my other articles. I am very proud of my writing for that site. And, it is so interesting to read the comments from women from other parts of the world: it gives me a sense of all of us being so similar no matter where we are or what our circumstances.
Today, think about how you can improve your confidence as you emerge back into your new life. Has that confidence changed now that we have to be more careful with our personal interactions? How will you adjust?
While I know how careful we all need to be as we break out of our homes, please muster up the confidence that you once had, or you were working on before we shutdown. Incorporating confidence makes you feel like you have control over your surroundings and circumstances.
Stay safe and healthy!
Read MoreRepost from 4/29/2020
I spoke to a group of women several months ago about confidence. The group was composed of women over fifty, some single and some not. About halfway through the discussion, I realized that my talk was not resonating with the whole group. It was falling flat. I could see some faces glazing over, and I learned a valuable lesson that night.
When I speak with other single women about confidence, they are all ears. We single women 50+ know that confidence can often be lacking in our lives. But, I think it’s not as critical for our married counterparts. Hmm.
There are lots of reasons for a lack of confidence that we share with our married sisters: our parts are all starting to break down a little and we all sometimes feel invisible. But, when I became single after 32 years of marriage, I realized that there was one confidence buster that I didn’t even know existed. Entering every room alone. That’s it for me. 100% of the time entering the room alone.
Seems silly doesn’t it. But it’s true and it’s there always. I’m not talking about grocery stores and gyms, of course. I know how to do that. But here is a shortlist of the places that I might walk into alone often: church, weddings, restaurants, funerals, movies, sporting events (well not really), concerts, graduations. Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone. And that can easily eat away at confidence.
Close your eyes and think about yourself when you were a young woman for a minute. Remember when you felt like you owned the room? Like you were vital to what was happening? Like everyone would want you to sit with them? I try to muster up that feeling sometimes now to fool myself into confidence.
The most important trick you can use as you spend your life walking into everywhere alone is planning. I know you hear me talk about planning all the time, but it really helps settle your nerves if you are heading into uncharted territory (let’s say you are fearful that you will run into your former husband at a graduation party).
Make a Plan
Make a plan to meet a friend or colleague at your destination. Ask a friend to save you a seat and try to get there after you think she will have arrived. It gives you someone to look for rather than having a deer-in-the-headlights expression on your face.
Walk With Purpose
When I am going into a crowded restaurant or bar and I feel a little uncomfortable about it, I just head in like I am the most important person in the room. Head held high, walking with a purpose, looking like I know right where I’m going, even if I head right to the Ladies Room. I put on my “I am so important and busy,” posture and no one is the wiser. I might be scared to death but if I walk with purpose I don’t look it.
Laugh at Your Phone
For so many reasons our cell phone is our friend, but never so much so as when we need to look very busy or very important or very popular. I will admit that I have, on more than one occasion, looked at my texts and laughed out loud at absolutely nothing, just to appear that I am very much in demand. I hope I fool at least one person.
What are your tricks to looking confident when you are not? We can all learn from each other and grow more confident. I can’t wait to hear from you.
Read MoreAs a single woman over sixty, I am keenly aware that it’s often tough to feel confident. After all, we live in a world that equates beauty and talent with youth. And, as we age, it’s easy to buy into that narrative. But I am here to tell you that believing in that way of thinking erodes our confidence and confidence it hot! Confidence is youthful! Confidence is sexy!
So here are five ways to improve that confident feeling.
- Smile: That’s it, just smile. Look happy. Look like you are enjoying your life. Look like you are important to the world. Look like you know a huge secret, not like you are exhausted. Let’s face it, as our faces age those lines can make us look a little cranky before our feet even hit the ground as we get out of bed, so unless you are consciously working on having a happy expression, you might look cross, and who wants to engage with that? A happy expression is the fountain of youth. And, if you don’t feel like smiling, smile anyway.
- Move with a purpose: Someone who is moving with purpose is going somewhere, right? That woman is part of the world and part of life and is important. That is a woman who has vitality. So, who would you rather spend time with, the woman who drags herself down the sidewalk or the woman who wants to get where she is going? Make your steps have a purpose.
- Wear what makes you feel good about yourself: This is a big one so let me ask you this: what makes you feel better, an outfit that you are tugging on all night or one that makes you feel like you look your best? This isn’t about weight, or how much you spend or what’s in style. This is about meeting yourself where ever you are and wearing clothing to match. If you need a bigger size, get it. If your heels are too high and you can’t walk in them, chuck them. You aren’t looking and feeling your best by wearing them.
- Have joy: Joy is the ultimate confidence builder. When you are feeling joyous, you are exuding confidence. Your joy is infectious. It makes others want to be around you. It makes you fun. Not feeling joy? Just fake it until you do.
- Stay relevant: Know what’s going on around you. Be interested. Be active. Confidence comes from being able to hold your own in any group situation.
You need to know that when you put these five pieces into action, you will attract attention. I guarantee it. People enjoy spending time with confident women because they are interesting and fun. They bring something to the table. And why wouldn’t you be confident? You have slain the dragons, you have lived and are still living a full life. You have done it all and now you continue to grow and evolve with confidence.
So, when you are smiling and joyous, when you are well informed and moving with a purpose, and when you look comfortable in your own skin, you will exude confidence. And, confidence is sexy!
Read MoreDo you lack confidence? I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal this week about women in the workplace lacking confidence: young women were the focus, so I didn’t give it much thought since I am not one of those. Then I was meeting with my coach, Robin McAllister-Zaas, and we started talking about the fact that I lack confidence because of my body, a body that is what I like to call ample. I told her that I don’t like to post photos of myself because I don’t like my body (maybe I need counseling rather than a coach!). As we talked I realized that much of my lack of confidence can be traced right back to my unhappy marriage and that I need to take a good hard look at how that has changed my self-perception. That lack of confidence among women appears to be universal, whether you are young or old, single or married, a professional or not, a mom or not.
I was first made aware of how severe my lack of confidence was when I started dating again. I thought I was the most hideous troll on the planet, and so old that no one would ever look at me again. I had barnacles. Wonder where that came from? I thought I would live out my life knitting blankets with cat hair I collected, which would mean I would have to get a cat. Then, in what can only be considered a miracle, I went on a few dates and guess what, I wasn’t so gross after all. Men who were actually alive and breathing wanted to go out with me. Quelle shock! Not only go out, but they were interested in what I had to say. They thought I was pretty and nice and fun and smart, all the things that I thought had vanished. I knew I was those things 30 years ago but thought that I had lost my groove. Then, Paula got her groove back!
When I look back at my marriage, I know that I began to feel less confident as soon as I became an at-home mom. I know I was not alone. I truly believe that my husband lost interest in me at that time and I bought into his ridiculous thinking. I bought it! I let that make me feel small and unimportant. I can’t believe I let that happen. I am honestly a pretty tough cookie so if that happened to me I can’t imagine what it can do to a woman who lacks confidence from the start. Back to the Wall Street Journal article, I don’t think the lack of confidence that I experienced is much different from the lack of confidence that young women, or any women for that matter, face in the workplace. Those women feel like they don’t deserve a seat at the table just as I thought I didn’t deserve, well, anything.
Whatever the reason, men exude much more confidence, even when they are not. Remember that, even when they are not. And we buy it. But, as women, we have to do a better job. If I could talk to the at-home mom Paula now, I would say, “you are the same confident woman you were the day you got married. You had a career, you were smart, you were attractive, and you were confident. On the last day of the job, you were confident and the next day should have been no different.”
I learned a valuable lesson from my divorce attorney that did improve my confidence when I had to face contentious meetings with my husband in the room. Those meeting made me a basket case for days prior. My attorney had me rehearse over and over and over. That is something that I would have never thought of on my own. I worked on every scenario out loud, and when I got to the meeting, I was confident. I could not be rattled. I could not be minimized or made to feel stupid. So here is the key to confidence: know your stuff. Know how to prepare yourself for the next day, whatever is happening, so that people think you are the confident one in the room. Because you are!
I am attaching the link for the WSJ article in case you have interest in reading more.
Read MoreI know as a single woman in her later years, it might be scary to think about travel alone. I get it. I wasn’t sure I could even do it, but I can and I do. As a matter of fact, I have been able to gain confidence through travel on my own.
When it comes to vacations, my former husband and I had such different ideas that I now realize that I have been traveling by alone all my adult life. There is hardly any difference, except that there is not another body at the dinner table. But if I am honest with myself, that was all my husband was when we went on trips, another body. He was always very busy checking scores: it seemed to be a full-time job. His other activities were finding a sporting event in the area to attend, finding a local golf course and finding a sports bar to watch sports-anything. So, to say that traveling by myself is new isn’t quite accurate: I have always made my own plans for travel.
Gain Confidence
So, if you want to travel as a single woman but feel unsure about it, start small. My adult children live in great cities around the country, so if I am visiting them for a weekend, I usually add a day or two on the beginning or end of the trip to scout out shops, restaurants and culture (OK, no culture). That is the perfect way to to make arrangements for travel with the safety net being your children or other family members.
I have also found that registering for an event or conference that sounds interesting to you is a great way to travel alone. You meet people there to maybe have dinner with or at least sit next to for the day. I am a knitter, so once a year I go to Vogue Knitting Live in New York. I take classes during the day for a couple of days, see a play, try a new restaurant and do a little shopping on the extra day that I add in.
All these baby steps will give you the confidence to do more. And, confidence is sexy.
Some Trips are Better Than Others
So, those are easy, right? Not all travel is that easy alone. I had to spend about a week in Florida by myself last year and you might think that would be heavenly. It was not. I sat by myself on the beach all day watching lots of families having a great time. I rode a bike during the day by myself. I then would force myself to go to one of the local restaurants and get something to eat at the bar, hoping to have someone to talk to during dinner. I did not. Then I would go back to my sad little room and do the same thing the next day. The lesson learned? I don’t need solitude. I am single and I have solitude out the wazoo! I need a little interaction. Now, if I want to take a trip somewhere and don’t have a companion or plan, I look for classes in the area. Cooking classes are number one on my list because you interact with the natives. They can give you ideas as to what to do and what to see in the area. It can be anything, just use it as a way to talk and interact with locals. You have to give yourself a little push now and then when you are on your own but it is worth it.
So, now my story about confidence and learning about myself through travel. Yesterday I decided to go horseback riding, which is something I do not do. I wanted to expand my horizons, and I did. I learned that I will have much more confidence if I ever do that again because I will wear a Depends!
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