embracing change
Repost from 1/4/2016
Even though we all make resolutions for the new year ahead, I have always felt that the new year starts the first Monday after the holidays. It’s when all kids are back in school, and everyone gets back to the routine of work and daily life. So, on the Sunday before the Monday I was busy making lists, doing laundry, cleaning out the refrigerator and getting ready for all the good things that are coming my way in 2016. Then, I overslept this morning by two hours. Not 15 minutes but two hours! Is that an omen for the upcoming year that I am so sure is going to be spectacular? Am I going to sleep through this year and be making the same resolutions next year? No! No! No! It is all happening this year. Why? Because 2016 is the year of Paula, that’s why.
I have decided that rather than look at all the changes I want to make right now, I am going to look at what my life will look like on December 31, 2016. Her we go.
I will be thin, needless to say. Oprah and I will be thin as thin can be by the end of next year. While, I have not signed up for her Weight Watchers, I am very inspired by her commercials on TV and I know that’s all it will take to get me on the right path. So far today I am on a strict diet of frozen grapes and Genoa Salami. Baby steps. As I lose weight, the evidence of all the hard work I have put in at the gym will become evident. I will be stunning and an inspiration as well, no other way to put it.
My employment will be super lucrative, and I will be in demand. Maybe it will be my very popular blog that read by hundreds of thousands of women and is under consideration for an on demand sitcom. While I am busy with the blog, I will also be working with a partner on our social media company. And, my idea for another business services organization will take off and have me traveling quite a bit, to cities I have never visited. My life will be super glam.
I will have invested a small amount of money in women-owned businesses. I will have donated my time and money to a few local causes that I support. For me, that is the best feeling in the world.
Love…I will be in it. I might be in love with one person or with several, and they will be in love with me, too. It goes without saying that many men will be in love with me. After all, I am hot and thin and making big bucks, and I look like what 60 should be. ..awesome.
Since I will qualify as a senior citizen, I will be taking free classes offered by local universities to improve myself. By next year, I will be well schooled in new interests to expand my mind and make me just that much more attractive.
And, I will be cooking more. And I will have knitted several sweaters. And I will be sewing. And I will be riding a motor scooter. I will have long hair, and it will look great.
That is where I will be when the New Year 2017 comes around. Can’t wait!
Paula
Read MoreI work with single women over 50 in my WingWoman Program. I ask each woman what she wants to change in her life, and all of them tell me several areas of their lives that aren’t going well. Then, without exception, each one tells me why she can’t change things, and I am always reminded of the phrase made popular by Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you? What you are doing right now, how’s that working for you?”
So, without saying that, I talk with them about how they can make adjustments that will get them closer to their goals, and the next phrase I hear is, “My problem is…” That one sentence is one that sends me over the top.
You say that you want to make changes, and that must be true or you wouldn’t be talking with me. However, every woman I work with holds on tight to who she is now, without putting any work into moving toward what she wants.
So, do we really want to change the direction of our lives for the better, or do we want something to complain about? Do we want to hold on to those very actions that are keeping us from what we “say” we want? I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I do know that if you change your actions, you can change the direction of your life.
Now, if I am working with someone who says she wants to make new friends who have some similar interests, I might suggest that she look into joining a meetup group. When the excuse on the other end is, “Well, they meet on Saturday mornings and that’s when I go to the grocery because it is the only time I can do that,” I hit her with good old Dr. Phil. And, honestly, if I get pushback, I know that the changes are all talk.
A few months ago I felt like I was just so unhappy. I was depressed. I cried all the time. I wasn’t motivated to do anything. I was miserable. I knew I had to make some plans to move myself forward and away from the doldrums. Not just talk about it but actually get into action. And I did and it worked and I am a new woman from the actions I took!
So, if you are wishing you could make some changes, stop the excuses for why you can’t make them happen and remember Dr. Phil. “What you are doing now, how’s it working for you?”
Read MoreRepost from 3/8/2016
It has been clear to me for a long time that I am not the same girl I used to be. I changed along the way, and I didn’t know if I was coming back.
I always felt that I was kind of fun to be around. And, I certainly thought my husband would agree. But, from the start of our marriage, I was, apparently, mistaken. I felt like “the old ball and chain,” and I knew that wasn’t me. But I must have been…right? Why else would he treat me that way?
So I would try harder and harder and harder. And, by the time I realized that I had built a fortress around myself to protect me from the heartache, the old Paula was long gone. I knew what would fix it, but I couldn’t do it.
I used to have a saying, “for a better marriage, just lower your expectations.” It worked for me but is so sad.
I can say without hesitation, I was enough. Our family was enough. Our family should have been the focus, not a distraction.
I can breathe now. While I am so sad that my marriage didn’t make it, it makes me happy to know that my children will get to know the real Mom all over again. I think they will be surprised at the me that they didn’t know existed. The happy, light-hearted, fun person who had been buried under the weight of an unhappy marriage and all the sadness that came along with that. They will get to know Paula, not just Mom. Can’t wait for that to happen.
I can’t count the number of times I have written a post about loneliness. I think it is one of the most important factors in the lives of single women over fifty, and it is the main culprit in diminishing the quality of our lives if we let it. Some loneliness we just have to accept as part of life and growing older, but if you pay attention to the signs of loneliness and what is causing it for you there is a way to manage it.
Webster’s Dictionary defines loneliness as being without company. That’s alone in my book, not loneliness. Or sad from being alone. Nope, that’s not it either. Then it goes on to extend the definition as producing sadness and bleakness. Now that is closer. But I think I have come up with an explanation for my own lonely times that is helping me learn to better cope.
You need to know this, I love being alone. I always have. It might stem from my being an only child, a child who probably had more privacy than my friends who had three or four or five children in the family. As soon as I graduated from college, I got my own apartment. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like people, I do. As a matter of fact, I am super social. I love to be around lots of people. At the same time, I love reading and knitting and watching television alone. I can entertain myself for hours and days and weeks. Having time alone is awesome.
I am happy to be alone until it hits me that my children and friends are having fun without me! I am talking about holidays or long weekends traveling: when I think everyone is out having fun and I am not I get lonely. I feel left out and I feel sad. So I believe loneliness is not just being alone, it is being alone and missing something. Missing out. Missing something that you used to have or do. I was talking with a woman yesterday who told me that since her partner died she is so lonely. I get that: she had one life that she enjoyed and now that is gone and she misses it. Loneliness is in the missing.
One of the loneliest feelings for me is when my adult children are with their dad, now that I am divorced. It is not that I think they are having more fun with him than they are with me (don’t worry, they are not). It is the feeling that my time with them is cut in half, that I don’t get the whole holiday or visit. Just my part of it. Hate it hate it hate it and that is probably the loneliest feeling in the world.
So what can I do to combat the lonely times in my life? What can you do? First, plan ahead. Thanksgiving comes around every year and this year will be no exception. Get ready for it. I have been planning my holiday, well probably since last year. You don’t have to go that far, but make sure you have a plan in place, whether that is a movie or a Turkey Trot or dinner with friends. Never ever think that you can just ride it out with a good book and a bottle (did I say bottle? I meant glass) of something. You will end up more depressed and feel more alone than you did before. I have three holiday weekends that make me come unglued: Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day and Labor Day. Two are freezing and dark and one signals the end of summer. I know myself and I know I need to plan for those. If I don’t I will be miserable. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just something that keeps me occupied and happy and busy.
So prepare yourself. Don’t let that monster eat you, you eat that loneliness monster!
Read MoreI have a question for you: do you take every opportunity that comes your way? I had the honor of having an in-depth conversation with a group of women who are incarcerated. The topic was freedom and I was floored when they unanimously told me that they attained true freedom when they came to prison: they were freed from the demons that had haunted them on the outside. They also let me know that there is no lack of opportunity within those walls: that there is no excuse not to grow personally inside the prison.
Those words have been rolling around in my head for several days: no lack of opportunity. Well, if there is no lack of opportunity inside prison walls, then there is certainly no lack of opportunity on the outside. Am I recognizing opportunity when it shows up and am I taking every opportunity that comes my way? Ask yourself the same question: are you taking every opportunity that comes your way at 50, 60 and beyond? I hope the answer is yes, but if it’s not, it’s time to make a change.
Lack of Growth is Aging
To me, one of the fastest ways to age prematurely is to stop learning, to stop expanding your knowledge and to stop being curious. When you have one-third of your life left to live why would you stop in your tracks? You most likely have more free time now than at any other time in your life, so do you really want to waste it? Whether you are furthering your education or learning how to knit, you are expanding that limitless brain, and that keeps you young, I am convinced.
Remember the women in the prison, who say they have no excuse not to grow within those walls. Do you really have any excuse not to grow on the outside? Are you closing yourself off from opportunity? This is a good time to self-assess and if the answer is yes, it’s time to make a change. As the women told me, there is no excuse for not growing and improving yourself, whether behind prison walls or not.
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