family
The holidays are here: yippee! But, holidays can present tough times for single women. We are surrounded by images of family and joy and the wonder of the season. Visions of people opening gifts, sharing meals and hugging loved ones are all over the tube. Many of us, as single women over fifty, may be feeling left out. I sometimes feel like my chair at the table is an addition: it used to be my table. Well, all of those feelings are valid and all may be true. But, if you let yourself crumble under the weight of those negative feelings, if you let them take over, you’re sunk.
Let’s not let that happen. Right here we are going to kick loneliness and sadness during the holidays to the curb. Let’s get started.
- Plan, plan, plan: Planning is everything when you are trying to eliminate loneliness any time, but especially during the holidays. Take a look ahead and pinpoint those times that are going to be dicey. That might be New Year’s Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas Eve: a time when you will be alone and missing loved ones or those who have passed or those who are far away. For me, that is always the time when my adult children are with their father, family time that no longer includes me. I hate it and I make sure to have plans for that time so I am not sitting at home being a sadsack. I go to a movie, get together with friends or get busy cooking for my family time.
- Volunteer: So many people receive volunteer services all year long and those volunteers need a break during the holidays. You can fill in. Nothing uplifts your spirits more than helping others. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than helping others. Nothing fills your heart with joy more than helping others. There are endless opportunities for volunteerism year-round and, of course, during the holidays.
- Invite friends to your place: I have no doubt that you have friends who have “gaps” in their holiday celebrations. Invite them to your home for a cocktail or coffee and dessert. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but there are others who would love an invite and that can come from you. You will feel great getting to share your home with others and they will greatly appreciate it. They are part of your extended “family.”
- Say yes to invitations: We often say no to invitations because we are too tired or overloaded during the holidays. Stop that! You can rest in January. Take advantage of every opportunity to be with others over these next few weeks. This is the time to be social and connected in order to stave off loneliness.
- Invite yourself: That sounds crazy, right? Far from it! Don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t be too proud, be proactive. You will find that others are happy for you to join them.
Now, I don’t know anyone who likes New Year’s Eve. Not one person. For me, it always feels melancholy. And it may be. But, whatever you do, spend it doing something you love, whether you are alone or with friends or family. Be in a place, mindfully, of peace, whatever that looks like for you, as you welcome the new year with anticipation.
Happy Holidays!
Read MoreRepost from 11/27/2015
It is official…I am off Thanksgiving duty. For no less than 25 years I have been the cook, picker-upper, baker, briner…of the biggest meal of the year. This year, my oldest son had to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving so since this would be a new year in all ways for us, we had the family holiday in Chicago all prepared by my son and his girlfriend. The Turkey to whom I was married for 30 years was elsewhere, so it was the best Thanksgiving ever!
Repost from 8/1/2016
One year ago, my husband pulled out of the driveway to go to work, I picked up a truck, packed everything I had room to take with me, and moved out. I was gone by the time he got home. His only text to me was, “Where should I forward your mail?”
I had lived with a stomach ache for a year prior to that. When he refused to sleep somewhere else, I moved to another room. When he refused to leave the house, I knew that it would be me who would have to make the move. It took me quite a while to get used to that idea, but once I did, I was determined to change my life. I still wake up with a stomach ache here and there, but I can handle that.
Most often, I wake up happy. I love my life. I sure didn’t think I would be here at sixty, but now I can’t believe I lived the way I did for so long. I think the biggest change that I have found in myself over the past year has been that I am actually smart. I am actually a nice person. That I actually have value at my age and there are some people who really like me. I am proud of who I am and where I am going. I’m all “Woman Hear Me Roar” about myself and I like it. Now, I may wake up tomorrow and have a big sobfest, but for now…I am happy.
One of my sons wrote me a note a few months ago telling me how proud he is of what I have accomplished in the past year and it shocked me. I really didn’t know that the kids saw that when they look at me. I thought they just saw a Mom who cries when they get here to visit and cries when they leave. The Mom they have to talk to at least once a week. Now…the pressure is on and I love it.
Read MoreRepost from 3/8/2016
It has been clear to me for a long time that I am not the same girl I used to be. I changed along the way, and I didn’t know if I was coming back.
I always felt that I was kind of fun to be around. And, I certainly thought my husband would agree. But, from the start of our marriage, I was, apparently, mistaken. I felt like “the old ball and chain,” and I knew that wasn’t me. But I must have been…right? Why else would he treat me that way?
So I would try harder and harder and harder. And, by the time I realized that I had built a fortress around myself to protect me from the heartache, the old Paula was long gone. I knew what would fix it, but I couldn’t do it.
I used to have a saying, “for a better marriage, just lower your expectations.” It worked for me but is so sad.
I can say without hesitation, I was enough. Our family was enough. Our family should have been the focus, not a distraction.
I can breathe now. While I am so sad that my marriage didn’t make it, it makes me happy to know that my children will get to know the real Mom all over again. I think they will be surprised at the me that they didn’t know existed. The happy, light-hearted, fun person who had been buried under the weight of an unhappy marriage and all the sadness that came along with that. They will get to know Paula, not just Mom. Can’t wait for that to happen.
I was having a cocktail with my friend Bart after returning from the holidays, and we were just rehashing our past couple of weeks and talking about what we each have to come in the months ahead. As we were clinking our glasses to the new year, I said, “You saved my life last year.” I meant it. I know it sounds dramatic, but he really had saved my life: he was the person who swept me up when I was a puddle on the floor. If you have been through a divorce you know what I am talking about. Or if you have been through any life-altering tragedy, you know.
He was the friend who dropped everything when I called sobbing and listened while I droned on and on about the daily issues I was facing as my 30-year marriage was collapsing around me. He was also the friend who told me I was wrong when I was wrong (which did not even happen one time, I must say).
Then I started thinking about other friends who, whether they knew it or not, had been a bridge for me to cross from one day to the next day when I wasn’t sure I would make it. It may sound dramatic, but if you have been there, you know. Each and every one was my lifesaver on one or more days. Whether it was a friend who told me he was proud of me or a couple who invited me over for Tuesday dinner, those have been as important to my forward motion as attorneys and accountants.
So my charge to anyone reading this is to remember to be a friend. That’s it, just be a good friend. Easy right? You never know what’s going on behind the scenes in someone’s life.
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