freedom

I’ve Never Felt Sexier!

October 8, 2019

Are you choking right now? Laughing? Crying? Well, stop it because I am serious: I have never felt sexier. At 63 I might be in my prime, as sad as that might sound to some of you.

I can honestly say that I haven’t felt sexy for maybe thirty years. Let’s face it, when your marriage is bad the word sexy doesn’t even exist. Add to that the stream of women in my husband’s life during our marriage, ending with someone much younger than I am (and yes I am aware that younger isn’t always better) and you get the drift. It chipped away at me until there was nothing left.

Even after I became single, I now realize, I carried so much of that in my head with me, that feeling that I wasn’t young therefore I wasn’t desirable or sexy. Well guess what girls, none of that was true for me and it isn’t true for you. It’s hogwash!

I am 63 years old. The only thin thing on me is my hair, which is almost all white and I’m not just talking about my head! My feet, without sandblasting, look pre-historic. My breast “base” is closer to my waist than to my shoulders. I used to have really great legs and, well, those days are over.

So why is it that I think I am sexier now than I have ever been? One word: freedom.

This year was not an easy one for me. I foolishly thought that once I was divorced I would cruise through a new and exciting life. That was partially true, but this last year presented many challenges for me. By the end of July, I was a mess: sad, lonely, depressed, feeling hopeless. You name it, it wasn’t going well around me. Then one day I told myself that I had to turn things around or continue to go down an unhappy slippery slope. So I made a conscious effort to make changes, and that helped, but I still wasn’t there.

My Friend Confronted with the Truth, Now I’ve Never Felt Sexier

Then my friend Cy said something to me that changed everything. He said, “Just have fun. What are you waiting for?” His actual words were, “What are you saving it for?” And with that I was free. He was absolutely right. I had been the keeper of the flame for family and some close friends for so long that I was miserable. I was constantly trying to be a positive role model for my children. I wanted to always be there for a very ill friend. I wanted to date but couldn’t stand to hurt anyone’s feelings if I didn’t think we were a fit so it had become a burden. Crazy, right! I wasn’t enjoying anything and he was right, when was the fun going to start for me?

So here I am, the sexiest I have ever been and loving it. And, I may not even be sexy on the outside. Don’t care. I feel alive and desirable. I feel smart. I feel accomplished. I am more interesting now. I feel independent. I feel free, and I think my newfound freedom shows in my zest for life. To me, that’s sexy!

Let me tell you something, feeling sexy, having a joie de vivre, isn’t bad. I now have a spring in my step that I had lost and I am a new girl again. Thank you, Cy.

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What Do I Do with My New Freedom?

June 20, 2019

Repost from November 2015

Everything in my life is in upheaval.  It is not all bad, but it is true.  My thirty-year marriage is ending, I hope sooner rather than later.  I have sold one business and will sign the papers this week for the sale of the second one.  I am looking at a freedom that I have never had in my life

I was in the restaurant business and just hated every minute of it.  Ten years ago when I made the decision to purchase the business, I was doing everything I could to feel like I was important, especially to my husband.  After several bad, bad years I had finally pulled it out of the red when our parent company decided to make a major change.  It was going to cost more money, so when buyers showed up at my door I already had a pen in hand, ready to sign.
But now I find that I am on the verge of complete freedom and I don’t know what to do with it.  The kids are all in their twenties and live coast to coast.  Many of my friends are beginning to retire or are becoming grandparents, which will not be happening for a while here.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I know I am the luckiest girl in the world.  But I don’t really have a compass guiding me, even a little.  Just a great big ball of nothing is in front of me.  Isn’t that always the way: when I am super busy I long for a day to sit in front of daytime TV and knit.  And when I have time to do that, I wish someone needed me.  Just as I am sitting here I am telling myself to relax.  Let life happen, because it is going to happen anyway.
In the meantime, I am going to finish a sweater that I started knitting.  I will start sewing again.  I am signing up for Pilates classes.  Yes, I am doing it all!
Also, many, many people are going to be calling me to hire me.  They are probably talking about me right now.  Don’t you think?
I am going to have a party…that’s right, a big party for Christmas.  I will show off my new apartment.  I’m sure that someone will bring a handsome single man to said party.  I will fall in love.  Wait, he will fall in love with me.  Better.  Everyone will envy my new found freedom and will comment on how my new life agrees with me.
The next day,  I will clean up…and probably cancel pilates class.
Paula
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