friendship

My Resolution: One Good Deed Every Day

December 26, 2019

Repost from 11/29/2016

A few years ago around this time of year I made a New Year’s Resolution, one that I would actually keep: I would do one kind thing per day for the next year.  It could not be anything that I do normally, like hold the door open for the next person behind me.  It had to be above that.  So on January first I started my year of one-a-day kindness acts.

Often, the way I started my day was to put an extra tip in the Starbucks tip jar.  It had to be over and above the normal amount.  Some days I put in an extra $5 if I was feeling flush.  I told my Barista about my resolution and let her know that if I put extra money in the tip jar so early in the morning, I could go back to being my regular nasty self for the rest of the day!  She later told me how much mileage she got out of that story.  So an extra tip in the morning allowed me to check off kindness on my list for the day.

Honestly, I can’t remember what many of the other acts of kindness were.  They were small, like putting a couple of coins into an expired parking meter, or digging through my purse to put any extra change in the Ronald McDonald House receptacle at McDonald’s.  I am not talking about a lot of money, I am talking about pennies here.  Pennies that were not hard to let go, but added up by the end of the year.  I think what I liked about these tiny donations was that they were anonymous, no one knew about them.  No tax receipts.  No thank yous.

I knit, so I knitted hats for babies.  I knitted a hat for my son, who is not a baby.  I signed up for extra volunteer shifts.  I let people go ahead of me in line almost every day.  And, while I would normally help anyone struggling with packages to the car, I did so more readily.  I was aggressive with my helping hands.  I was on the front line of helping hands!  I may have frightened one or two people.

Who Benefits?

And who benefitted most from the deeds…I did.  As soon as I made it happen I felt great!  It was a purposeful act daily and it improved my attitude.  No matter who you are, when you do something for others you feel great.  It’s that simple.  So in 2017, I am going to have a Resolution Re-Do and do it again.  Not for anyone else, just for me.  To make me feel good.  To put a spring in my step.  It is a selfish act on my part because I remember how good it made me feel.  Let’s face it, this year has been rough and so divisive that we could all use a little attitude adjustment.

Feel free to join me in adding one extra kindness each day and see how it changes your attitude.  You will be amazed at how making niceness a priority changes your outlook on life!

 

 

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When One Door Closes…

November 18, 2019

You’ve heard the expression, “When one door closes, another one opens.” Well, it’s true. And, if you are single and 50, 60, 70 or beyond, a door has, most likely, closed in your face in a big way. You are divorced or widowed or have always been single and might wish that that hadn’t been the case. But, at some point, either a door closed or you figured out that something had come to an end.

So here we are, women who have had doors closed in our faces, some harder doors to take than others. What do we do about it? Do we lay down and feel sorry for ourselves or do we make it so that another door opens? You know the answer to that, right?

It’s hard to admit when you have lost something, maybe hardest to admit to ourselves. Accepting that a door is closed is tough. It’s over. But, you know what I am going to say here, it’s what you do with that ending that makes all the difference in how your life moves forward.

I have a friend who has been looking for a new job for probably two years. No joke, two years! Every door closed in her face and I am not telling you that she didn’t go a bit berserk over the months and months of trying: interview after interview with lots of hopeful signs, then no thank you. I spent many a Friday night after a rejection talking with her and friends about what she could do next. We all just kept saying that eventually something would happen and guess what? It just did and I have a feeling that it is going to be the best option out of all of those who didn’t want her!

What does it feel like to have a door slammed in your face? Bad. Really bad. Then I like to get mad at the slammer and I feel that is perfectly normal, right?

But then the magic happens: someone or something new and better comes along and I forget all about that evil door (aka man, job, other woman, client who says no, dress that doesn’t fit now). There is nothing like the feeling of the other door opening. Nothing. It lightens your steps, it eases your mind and you are a new woman.

Here’s what I want to tell you: another door always opens. Always. Even when the worst is happening to you, something good can come into your life and help ease your pain, whether emotional or physical, real or imagined, the pain will get better.

I want you to keep this in your mind and when a door closes this week, remember that another, I promise, will open.

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Would You Want to Spend Time with…You?

August 19, 2019

Would you want to spend time with… you? That’s a strange question, isn’t it? But I’m serious. The way you present yourself when you sit down for coffee at the local coffee shop or the way you introduce yourself to a possible love interest; would you look forward to hearing what you had to say? Let’s look at this.

I spend time with lots of single women over sixty and one thing I can tell you about us women, single or married, is that as we age, we get a little grouchy (the same goes for men but I don’t care about them right now). Let tell you the things we gripe about immediately when we sit down to a table of, well, anyone who will listen: the weather, the heat, the sore ankle (knee, hip, elbow, foot, shoulder, wrist, neck), what’s on the menu that causes gas, bloating, heartburn, acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome, inflammation of anything, swelling of anything, insomnia, and general pain. And, we can’t stay too late because we have to get home before dark because we can’t see to drive in the dark. The humidity makes my hair frizzy. The humidity makes my hair flat. The humidity makes my feel swell. I can’t sit here at this high top because it hearts my knees. The air conditioning is blowing on my neck. It’s too cold. It’s too hot in here.

This is all before the first glass of water has been served! You think I’m kidding: I am not. I have heard every one of these complaints when women have just arrived at the table to sit down. Who wouldn’t to spend time with that? I wouldn’t. I don’t. I don’t want to spend time with that woman and I don’t want to invite her to another opportunity to waste my time with her moaning! I just don’t.

Here’s the thing, most women who hit the ground running with this dialogue don’t even know they are doing it. They just moan on and on and wonder why their phones aren’t ringing off the hook (that’s an old fashioned expression, isn’t it?) with invitations to more get togethers. Well, wonder no more, it’s because that’s not fun to be around. That isn’t happy one bit. And, why would I want to be around that again?

Guess what, everything we just said as we strolled up to the table is true. Everything does hurt and it is hot outside and our hair is a collective mess, but, no one wants to hear that. No one cares, at least no one cares right off the bat.

I don’t want to talk to that woman and neither do you and neither do any men who she is considering for a relationship. And, I am not saying we have to be fake. That’s not the message either. Here is the message: if you want to continue to be social and active, if you want people to invite you to join them for various outings, if you want to be asked on a date, you need to present yourself in a way that makes them want you around.

I am working in my Sisters Program on this very topic and I am working with a couple of clients in the WingWoman program on the same. I think it is making a difference in how these woman are being perceived and will continue to make a difference as they work on creating m ore and more relationships.

In order to remain socially active, we must each put our best foot forward. We must be women who others enjoy spending time with and with whom others want to engage.

So, for the rest of the month and into September I am going to be focusing on how we want to present ourselves to others and what we can do, how we can reframe our conversation, to make others want to spend more and more time with us. So, I go back to my original question: would you want to spend time with…you?

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You Never Know When You are Saving a Life

June 27, 2019

I was having a cocktail with my friend Bart after returning from the holidays, and we were just rehashing our past couple of weeks and talking about what we each have to come in the months ahead.  As we were clinking our glasses to the new year, I said, “You saved my life last year.”  I meant it.  I know it sounds dramatic, but he really had saved my life: he was the person who swept me up when I was a puddle on the floor.  If you have been through a divorce you know what I am talking about.  Or if you have been through any life-altering tragedy, you know.

He was the friend who dropped everything when I called sobbing and listened while I droned on and on about the daily issues I was facing as my 30-year marriage was collapsing around me.  He was also the friend who told me I was wrong when I was wrong (which did not even happen one time, I must say).

Then I started thinking about other friends who, whether they knew it or not, had been a bridge for me to cross from one day to the next day when I wasn’t sure I would make it.  It may sound dramatic, but if you have been there, you know.  Each and every one was my lifesaver on one or more days. Whether it was a friend who told me he was proud of me or a couple who invited me over for Tuesday dinner,  those have been as important to my forward motion as attorneys and accountants.

So my charge to anyone reading this is to remember to be a friend.  That’s it, just be a good friend.  Easy right? You never know what’s going on behind the scenes in someone’s life.

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Be a Good Friend

March 24, 2019

As single women, we know the importance of friendship. For many of us, our friendships are our primary relationships: we have family and we have friends. That’s it, that’s everything. So, it’s important to be a good friend. But recently I was faced with the fact that I hadn’t been as good a friend as I could have been to a couple of my besties and it made me mad at myself.

For the last 3 to 5 years I was the one who was dealing with something: I was moving out, I was leaving my husband, I was waiting for the divorce to become final, I was moving into my own place. Me, me, me. Honestly, I have never been this interesting in my life! But, what happened was that I became the topic, always, and I got used to it. I got used to feeling like my life was way worse than any of my friends. I was the story, not them, and I became indifferent to what was going on in their lives. I hate to even admit it.

Recently it came to my attention that plenty of my friends were going through transitions, too, and I had stopped being sensitive to that. I had become so used to being the one, the one who needed support. The one who needed a shoulder to cry on. The one who was putting on a brave face through this tough time in her life. That became my identity and my story. And, really, I am sick of being that woman.

So, friends of Paula, look out. I am putting all my effort into being the friend who I haven’t been over the last few years. I am at the other end of the phone just waiting to hear from you. Wait, I’m not waiting for you to call, I am calling you. I want you to get yourselves all worked up about something so I can talk you down. Just kidding.

I am not kidding about being a good friend, though. I want to get better at it and I want you to get better at it, too. As single women, our friendships are everything and those relationships need to be nurtured constantly. Our friendships are not static, but a dynamic, living piece of our lives that we want to remain solid as we change and age.

I hope this spurs you on to think about your friendships and what kind of friend you are. The good news is that you can change how you are as a friend at any time, so give yourself an assessment and if you need to, do better. Just be a better friend.

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