loneliness
Repost from 2/18/2016
If you know what “a TV dinner for Valentine’s Day,” is, then you are my age or older!
I was in a bad mood just thinking about it…Valentine’s Day. It has probably been forty years since I had no Valentine in my life. I was ready for a meltdown. Ready to cry myself to sleep on the night before and after. Ready to break out the Gin. But much to my surprise, nothing happened. I survived Valentine’s Day alone.
Now, I have plenty of sadness about my thirty-year marriage coming to an end. And as I watched loving couples walk hand-in-hand into the restaurants nearby I was envious. But my reality is and was very different. My marriage was very much about how things looked from the outside. It was all a big pile of going-through-the-motions.
Who knew how great Valentine’s Day could be. It was below zero outside, so I settled in for the weekend. Saturday night I watched The Devil Wears Prada, only one of the finest motion pictures ever made. I watched SNL with Melissa McCarthy. Sunday, I decided to start watching Empire by recommendation of my son, Ryan. I plopped myself down in front of the TV, grabbed my computer for some tax work and got down to business. I got to episode 5! The taxes still need work. Did some homework for my accounting class and cleaned out my emails. I then moved on to RHOA, Downton Abbey, and KUWTK. To lighten things up I binge watched The Mindy Project and Veep. So productive and so pop culture all at the same time. My eyes are a little dry but I powered through!
I had no idea Valentine’s Day could be so fun and I can’t wait until next year when I plan on adding in some hot chocolate!
Read MoreThe holidays are in our rearview mirrors: decorations are down and all the trash has been picked up. Kids are all back into their routines where ever they may be and this was the first weekend of the new year. I was looking so forward to having the weekend all to myself and getting my place back into working order, and I did. That’s done! While I needed the break and the time and the order to my life, tonight I am keenly aware that it is time to get back to my social self or I will easily slip into way too many binge-watching nights and iced cappuccinos and isolation. I want you to make sure to stay social in the winter.
I know, I know, I know that it’s really hard to push through during the cold and the dark of winter and the allure of hot chocolate on the warm, cozy couch with a blanket is so inviting. But it can be dangerous for us single women. Loneliness, isolation and depression can creep into the room and sit down right next to you without you even noticing. And, that is a hard place to crawl out of if you get in too deep.
So, get to work! This week if you don’t have plans, make them. If you do have plans, good for you. Want to see a movie? Go. Even if you go alone you will be around other people rather than entering into a discussion about the Golden Globes at home with your cat. Go anywhere you can to be among the living.
Let me tell you about a change that I am making to improve my life and you may recognize yourself in how I was feeling. If so, I hope this will give you a seed of an idea. I have many, many interests: I write, read, knit, workout, cycle. I work outside the home. I am taking piano lessons. I take Spanish. I love to try and learn new things. But, the truth is that everything I do, I do alone. I am in sales (you’re on your own in sales!). I read alone, knit alone, I write alone, piano and guitar are one-woman sports. I work out alone and cycle alone. Get the picture?
What I see in myself is a very busy woman who does so much on her own. So, to add more people to my life I am taking up Pickleball. Surely I can do that, right? My plan is to enjoy a new sport and experience camaraderie as well. I’ll keep you posted.
The moral of this story is this: it’s up to you to make the winter better. Don’t let yourself go down the rabbit hole of hibernation because as a single woman you can become lonely very quickly and that is not a good place to be.
Ladies, kick-off the new year strong!
Read MoreThe holidays are here: yippee! But, holidays can present tough times for single women. We are surrounded by images of family and joy and the wonder of the season. Visions of people opening gifts, sharing meals and hugging loved ones are all over the tube. Many of us, as single women over fifty, may be feeling left out. I sometimes feel like my chair at the table is an addition: it used to be my table. Well, all of those feelings are valid and all may be true. But, if you let yourself crumble under the weight of those negative feelings, if you let them take over, you’re sunk.
Let’s not let that happen. Right here we are going to kick loneliness and sadness during the holidays to the curb. Let’s get started.
- Plan, plan, plan: Planning is everything when you are trying to eliminate loneliness any time, but especially during the holidays. Take a look ahead and pinpoint those times that are going to be dicey. That might be New Year’s Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas Eve: a time when you will be alone and missing loved ones or those who have passed or those who are far away. For me, that is always the time when my adult children are with their father, family time that no longer includes me. I hate it and I make sure to have plans for that time so I am not sitting at home being a sadsack. I go to a movie, get together with friends or get busy cooking for my family time.
- Volunteer: So many people receive volunteer services all year long and those volunteers need a break during the holidays. You can fill in. Nothing uplifts your spirits more than helping others. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than helping others. Nothing fills your heart with joy more than helping others. There are endless opportunities for volunteerism year-round and, of course, during the holidays.
- Invite friends to your place: I have no doubt that you have friends who have “gaps” in their holiday celebrations. Invite them to your home for a cocktail or coffee and dessert. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but there are others who would love an invite and that can come from you. You will feel great getting to share your home with others and they will greatly appreciate it. They are part of your extended “family.”
- Say yes to invitations: We often say no to invitations because we are too tired or overloaded during the holidays. Stop that! You can rest in January. Take advantage of every opportunity to be with others over these next few weeks. This is the time to be social and connected in order to stave off loneliness.
- Invite yourself: That sounds crazy, right? Far from it! Don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t be too proud, be proactive. You will find that others are happy for you to join them.
Now, I don’t know anyone who likes New Year’s Eve. Not one person. For me, it always feels melancholy. And it may be. But, whatever you do, spend it doing something you love, whether you are alone or with friends or family. Be in a place, mindfully, of peace, whatever that looks like for you, as you welcome the new year with anticipation.
Happy Holidays!
Read MoreI published this article a little over a year ago and I still get comments on it, so I thought I would repost it for you ladies. Hope it gives you some good ideas.
So, you are starting over on a new path and you are killing it! You are happy, you are fulfilled and you are living the life you have always dreamed of living. But, no matter how much you keep telling yourself how great your new life is, you are lonely. Yep, there are times when you are crushingly lonely.
For me, as my marriage of more than 30 years ended, I began moving forward with a vengeance: I was never going to look back, I told myself, and, the truth is, I didn’t. I didn’t romanticize my marriage in my head. But, the hard facts are that lots of the important family events had to be divided in two now: some with Mom and some with Dad. And, while I was prepared to share our adult children, there were times that it just brought me to my knees. I had to keep reminding myself that half of the holidays with my children now is hundreds of times better than the holidays of the past: everyone was enjoying them but me back then.
I had to come up with ways to fight off the demons that sat on my shoulders and told me how much better my life was when I was married. So I did just that: I fought them off. I don’t mean to sound flip about the heartache of loneliness in the moment. But I am suggesting that if you try to be proactive and make plans to get you through the rough patches ahead of time, you will, at least, feel proud of yourself for not just letting loneliness run you over and flatten you like a pancake.
Make a Plan
The first time I was going to be alone on Christmas morning I could see it coming. I was not going to like it one bit. I knew I would be with my adult children the rest of Christmas day, but I dreaded waking up alone and having a big pity party. So, I talked with a friend who was not busy until later in the day as well. We decided to go to a movie in the morning. It was great. I got up, I was happy. I was doing something that I love, going to a movie. And, when the movie was over, I would be coming home and having the rest of the day with the kids. By having a plan in place I was able to push through what could have been a disastrous morning.
Learn Something New
I am a pretty social person, and I do not like being alone when I think everyone else in the world is having fun without me. Where I live, college football is everything. I honestly don’t care one bit about the game itself, but I love the tailgating before. I have found that I get a little blue on those game days. Rather than sitting on the couch and feeling sorry for myself, I find that learning something new makes me feel proud of myself and productive in the moment. I have a running list of things I would like to learn more about, whether it is being better at social media or learning a new knitting stitch or figuring out how to put on false eyelashes, it makes me feel good to know that I moved the needle forward rather than boohooing. I always feel good learning new things.
Plan a Trip
Nothing, in my opinion, is more fun than planning a trip. It doesn’t need to be huge, just something that I can get excited about. The planning is the best part of the trip anyway so I can spend hours figuring out where and when to go, what to see and where to stay. It takes up a lot of time and entertains me. I might plan a trip for myself or for me and my children, which makes the planning even more fun. We can communicate about what to do and where to go and it is just fun. If I am traveling alone, I keep in mind that maybe one day we might want to do this as a family.
No Commiserating if Your Goal is Conquering Loneliness
This is a hard fast rule: do not spend time with someone who is a Debbie Downer when you are already going down that sadsack rabbit hole. All that will do is bring you down more. It just isn’t a good idea, anytime, and certainly not when you are feeling blue. Save that for another day.
Eat Ice Cream
This is the most important advice I can give any woman who is feeling lonely. Eat ice cream. Eat ice cream until you can’t move! The end. It is nature’s little anti-depressant and cures your woes. Of course, I am kidding. Sadly I ate ice cream every time I was lonely or sad in my marriage. I ate a lot of ice cream. Too much and I am paying the price. But, it got me through a lot of troubled times. My point is, go easy on yourself. If treating yourself is what you need to help you move through a rough patch, have at it.
Starting your life over at any age is not an easy task, and starting over a little later in life is that much more difficult. Remember, your life is only going to get better when you take charge. I would love to hear any suggestions that have worked for you to get yourself through difficult times. Share your strategies here and you might read some new ones from other readers.
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