relationships
Repost from 2/18/2016
If you know what “a TV dinner for Valentine’s Day,” is, then you are my age or older!
I was in a bad mood just thinking about it…Valentine’s Day. It has probably been forty years since I had no Valentine in my life. I was ready for a meltdown. Ready to cry myself to sleep on the night before and after. Ready to break out the Gin. But much to my surprise, nothing happened. I survived Valentine’s Day alone.
Now, I have plenty of sadness about my thirty-year marriage coming to an end. And as I watched loving couples walk hand-in-hand into the restaurants nearby I was envious. But my reality is and was very different. My marriage was very much about how things looked from the outside. It was all a big pile of going-through-the-motions.
Who knew how great Valentine’s Day could be. It was below zero outside, so I settled in for the weekend. Saturday night I watched The Devil Wears Prada, only one of the finest motion pictures ever made. I watched SNL with Melissa McCarthy. Sunday, I decided to start watching Empire by recommendation of my son, Ryan. I plopped myself down in front of the TV, grabbed my computer for some tax work and got down to business. I got to episode 5! The taxes still need work. Did some homework for my accounting class and cleaned out my emails. I then moved on to RHOA, Downton Abbey, and KUWTK. To lighten things up I binge watched The Mindy Project and Veep. So productive and so pop culture all at the same time. My eyes are a little dry but I powered through!
I had no idea Valentine’s Day could be so fun and I can’t wait until next year when I plan on adding in some hot chocolate!
Read MoreRepost from 8/1/2016
One year ago, my husband pulled out of the driveway to go to work, I picked up a truck, packed everything I had room to take with me, and moved out. I was gone by the time he got home. His only text to me was, “Where should I forward your mail?”
I had lived with a stomach ache for a year prior to that. When he refused to sleep somewhere else, I moved to another room. When he refused to leave the house, I knew that it would be me who would have to make the move. It took me quite a while to get used to that idea, but once I did, I was determined to change my life. I still wake up with a stomach ache here and there, but I can handle that.
Most often, I wake up happy. I love my life. I sure didn’t think I would be here at sixty, but now I can’t believe I lived the way I did for so long. I think the biggest change that I have found in myself over the past year has been that I am actually smart. I am actually a nice person. That I actually have value at my age and there are some people who really like me. I am proud of who I am and where I am going. I’m all “Woman Hear Me Roar” about myself and I like it. Now, I may wake up tomorrow and have a big sobfest, but for now…I am happy.
One of my sons wrote me a note a few months ago telling me how proud he is of what I have accomplished in the past year and it shocked me. I really didn’t know that the kids saw that when they look at me. I thought they just saw a Mom who cries when they get here to visit and cries when they leave. The Mom they have to talk to at least once a week. Now…the pressure is on and I love it.
Read MoreThese are what I used to call “Glamour Don’ts.” They are photos that one would not want to represent them to the world. However, men use them all the time on dating sites and I just don’t get it. Is it that there are just so many women for each available man that they can throw anything they want up and get hundreds of right swipes?
I am not very familiar with online dating; haven’t done it much, but I have looked at the sites in order ease myself back into the game. First, the lack of men in my particular demo was apparent right away. Not a lot from which to select. If in his bio, a man writes that he is breathing on his own, he is one of the most popular men and is snatched up immediately. Regardless, men, if you are going to play the game, make it a game. Get good at it and use some photos that show you in a way that would make you proud. I’m here to help. Use this as a guide ladies and gentlemen. I would not be surprised to see this photo below in a man’s dating bio.
- Anything that is blurry. Why do men post out of focus photos? Can’t see? Just take another one. Unless you saving “film” or are trying to hide your identity because you are in the witness protection program, post a better photograph.
- The picture that you took of yourself in your bathroom. Standing in front of your bathroom mirror, taking a selfie never ends well. It just doesn’t. The focus is unclear, you are looking into the camera which is often down around the belt and the flash shows up in the photo. Men, you appear to be looking at your package. I have never seen one man smiling when he has posted a bathroom selfie. The men are working too hard to smile when they take the shot.
- I do not want to see a photo of your motorcycle. I know what a motorcycle looks like.
- I do not want to see a photo of you in the seventies. It makes it clear that you peaked early.
- If you are taking a selfie, reclining in your Barco-lounger tells me that most of your time is spent in that position in front of the TV. It may be true, but don’t show all of your cards before the game even starts.
- And please, please, please do not post a photo of your abs. I love abs as much as the next girl, but when I see that photo I think, “well, my tummy doesn’t look like that so I am not going near that guy.” You price yourself out of the market, so to speak.
Guys, all we want to see is a nice man who is taking the time to show himself in a positive light to meet a nice woman. Put in a little effort. Show us your best side. Honestly, we will do the rest for you if you just show that you care about the process.
Read MoreIf you had asked me ten years ago if I needed any more friends, I would have said no. I had all the friends in the world. I loved and love my friends. But, when I went from being married to single things changed. I didn’t lose friends, I was lucky that way. But I moved from the suburbs to a downtown loft apartment. Things were different now. And while I was the luckiest girl in the world to keep most of my old friends, I realized that I needed to add single friends, men and women, to the mix if I wanted to have a pretty full social calendar. Because, no matter how much I love my married friends, there comes a time when they are doing couple and family stuff and I’m not. So I had to make new friends. Friends that I could call to join me for dinner or a movie or to go hear music.
If you, as a single woman, often feel lonely, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find new ways to make new friends. Here are some ideas for you to explore when you feel like you want to branch out for friendships:
Workout:
You know that you should have a workout spot, right? Well if you don’t have a gym or another place to workout, get one. For many reasons. I think that I have made friends in every gym I have ever joined. You spend a fair amount of time there. If you go at the same times you see most of the same people each week. You strike up conversations, you complain together, etc. Get a cup of coffee sometime or meet for a cocktail. You don’t have to be besties but you will expand your circle of friends.
Meetups:
I am telling you if you haven’t tried a meetup or two you are going to love them. Meetups are groups of people who get together around their common theme. They are in every city and town across the country. I belong to a knitting/crocheting meetup that meets every couple of weeks. Sometimes we are at a restaurant (Yes, we knit in a restaurant. We go to places that have enough room for us and aren’t super busy on the night we are there and we eat and drink and tip!) Sometimes we meet at Joann Fabrics because our organizer works there. That’s fine with me because I usually buy yarn while I am there.
I also belong to a Cycling Meetup (haven’t tried it yet). I joined a French Speaking Meetup but was too afraid I wasn’t up for it. I belong to a Social Media Meetup (again, haven’t tried it yet just because of scheduling, but I will soon. I also joined a group of women 60+ that often meets for happy hour, etc.
Now here is my best tip ever: There was no Meetup for single women 50+ in my city. There were singles groups but they weren’t for me; they were either too young or pick-up groups, and I really just wanted to meet other women like me so I could expand my group of single women friends. I wanted to create a group for single women, not to find men, but to find each other: to find friends who will go to a movie or the museum or any event that might be of interest. We meet each month for Happy Hour at different restaurants around town. In addition, we have a private Facebook page where members can post events, movies, music, festivals, etc., that they would like to attend to see if anyone else has an interest. I have met some wonderful ladies through this group and I am so happy that I organized it. I have made some new friends and have invited a couple of friends as well.
You can go to Meetup.com for more information or to look up groups in your area that might be a good fit. I have no skin-in-the-game as far as Meetups go, but you really can find a group for almost any interest, or you can start one.
Bookclubs:
I can’t believe I lived most of my adult life without being in a bookclub. Some friends asked me to join theirs, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn’t think I would. It keeps me reading, which I like. I got to know several women who I had known casually and I met new friends. And, my daughter is in a bookclub in New York, so talk about the books we are reading and what we liked and didn’t like. While most of the women in my bookclub are married, there is a bookclub for everyone. Again, if there isn’t one that feels right for you, start one. You can put the word out that you are forming a bookclub for single women in your area and I have no doubt that it will be full in no time.
All of these ideas are easy to create or join, and all give you the opportunity to meet new friends. I am telling you that creating friendships is the key to longterm happiness as a single woman over 50. You can’t have too many friends as you age as a single woman. Now, get out there!
Read MoreI talk to so many women who have been single for quite a while and would like to meet someone and maybe go on a date or two. When they ask me how I met a guy and I tell them that we met online, they nearly pass out! “Is it safe?” That is the next question 100% of the time. These are the same women who would buy a Louis Vuitton bag on eBay, the same women who will buy Cher tickets on StubHub, and they ask me if it is safe to meet someone online. Go figure. Do they think I invite a stranger to my door and greet him wearing plastic wrap? I do not. So, let me tell you how I do it and have met several very nice men, and met some big weiners, too! So online dating, what are you afraid of?
When I started looking at dating sites I was nervous. It made me feel exposed. Then I realized that I was only exposing what I chose to, and that doesn’t have to be much. I only post a few general photos and a few facts about myself and that’s it. More than that is not necessary. Do not, I repeat, do not post a photo of your cat. I know that sounds mean but I have heard that from more than a few men who are on the sites. So just be “professional” when you post your profile on any dating site. And, if you like to swing from the chandelier naked, good for you, but you might want to wait until you meet in person before you fly your freak flag!
I remember when I first had someone show some interest in me I was terrified. I hadn’t been asked on a date in about 35 years. I continued to message him back and forth for way too long then, at the end of the day, we weren’t a match and I felt like I had wasted a lot of time. If you are interested in someone and he is interested in you, a few messages back and forth ought to do it. You can plan to meet at a public place for a drink or coffee to see if this is worth pursuing for either of you. Don’t invite him back to your place. Don’t go to his place. Don’t even drive away until he is gone if you are feeling uncertain. Just use your common sense.
You need to put your big girl pants on because there is lots of rejection. Don’t get in a twist about it: that just means you are getting closer to Mr. Right. I know that’s not easy, and that it might be why you haven’t dipped your toe in the online dating pond, but if I can do it anyone can. I do not take rejection well, but I figure it’s his loss, right?
Men have told me two scenarios about meeting women online that seem universal and they don’t like it: one is that their date is interviewing for a husband and the other has to do with wanting to know about the man’s finances. They do not like this! I don’t think I would either. Before I had heard these categories I had already come up with my own answer to, “What are you looking for?” This is it: “I don’t know what I am looking for but what I can tell you is that I am not looking for a pen pal (I don’t want someone who is just into texting, and that is a thing for various reasons) and I am not looking for a husband. That seems to be succinct enough for them.
Now, after all those caveats, the best reason to begin online dating is that you just might meet someone with whom you have lots in common and have a great time together, whether or not it’s love. That’s worthwhile.
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