sadness

Don’t Confuse Loneliness with Sadness

January 15, 2018

Don’t confuse loneliness with sadness: that’s a tall order, right?  But, I have realized lately that there are times when I am doing just that, confusing loneliness with sadness.  For me, the lines are blurred, but trying to figure out which one I am feeling helps me come up with the right distraction to get through it.

Was I Feeling Loneliness or Sadness?

I realized that what I was feeling was sadness rather than loneliness over the holidays.  I was a little blue the closer I got to the actual festivities.  The kids were coming in and I had so much to look forward to but there was an underlying feeling that I couldn’t pinpoint.  I was busy, busy, busy and almost never alone, but felt lonely.

It wasn’t loneliness at all.  It was sadness.  Sadness for what the holidays look like versus what I wish they were: happy, whole family celebrations.  Decorating, cooking, wrapping for everyone under one roof with parties and church and a big bow to wrap it all up.   I miss it, mess and all: laundry everywhere, waking up when everyone comes in late, hearing about the night before.   Now, the reality is the back and forth that comes with a split family.  I always feel like I am missing something.  I am not present when my children are having part of their Christmas.  Hate it.  Hate, hate, hate it.  And, that is not loneliness at all.  It is pure sadness.

Three Things to Try

So how can one help herself through a little sadness?  These are on my checklist now for when I am feeling sadness and one or all of them may work for you:

  1.  Know what you are feeling.  If I know what I am sad about, I can work on how to “treat” it.  For me, it means asking myself what I haven’t had time for in teh past, like maybe watching a moving and knitting, or reading.  When I was married and had an intact family, that was often not on the agenda  Not the same but I have to spin it for myself sometimes.
  2. I give myself a gift.  I know that sounds crazy, but when one lives alone, there are,  most likely, fewer gifts at birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Christmas.   So this year I gave myself a bottle of perfume that I love.  Not a big deal, I know, but it is not something I can pick up at Costco so it feels like a treat.
  3. Finally,  I have a conversation with myself.  I know, I know, that sounds so lame, but I do it.  It sounds like this, “OK Girlie, this is how it is going to be for the rest of your life.  How can you handle it from here on out?”  Otherwise, I risk being the “have to make her happy” parent rather than the “ can’t wait to see her” parent with my children and their families.

None of this is perfect, I know.  But we all have to work with the hand that we are dealt.  The more I take charge of managing my feelings the more likely I am to win with that hand.

How do you deal with sadness?  How do you deal with loneliness?  I hope you will share your ideas.

 

 

Read More