self discovery

One Big Difference Between Us Single Women and Our Married Counterparts

February 6, 2020

Repost from 4/29/2020

I spoke to a group of women several months ago about confidence. The group was composed of women over fifty, some single and some not. About halfway through the discussion, I realized that my talk was not resonating with the whole group. It was falling flat. I could see some faces glazing over, and I learned a valuable lesson that night.

When I speak with other single women about confidence, they are all ears. We single women 50+ know that confidence can often be lacking in our lives. But, I think it’s not as critical for our married counterparts. Hmm.

There are lots of reasons for a lack of confidence that we share with our married sisters: our parts are all starting to break down a little and we all sometimes feel invisible. But, when I became single after 32 years of marriage, I realized that there was one confidence buster that I didn’t even know existed. Entering every room alone. That’s it for me. 100% of the time entering the room alone.

Seems silly doesn’t it. But it’s true and it’s there always. I’m not talking about grocery stores and gyms, of course. I know how to do that. But here is a shortlist of the places that I might walk into alone often: church, weddings, restaurants, funerals, movies, sporting events (well not really), concerts, graduations. Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone. And that can easily eat away at confidence.

Close your eyes and think about yourself when you were a young woman for a minute. Remember when you felt like you owned the room? Like you were vital to what was happening? Like everyone would want you to sit with them? I try to muster up that feeling sometimes now to fool myself into confidence.

The most important trick you can use as you spend your life walking into everywhere alone is planning. I know you hear me talk about planning all the time, but it really helps settle your nerves if you are heading into uncharted territory (let’s say you are fearful that you will run into your former husband at a graduation party).

Make a Plan

Make a plan to meet a friend or colleague at your destination. Ask a friend to save you a seat and try to get there after you think she will have arrived. It gives you someone to look for rather than having a deer-in-the-headlights expression on your face.

Walk With Purpose

When I am going into a crowded restaurant or bar and I feel a little uncomfortable about it, I just head in like I am the most important person in the room. Head held high, walking with a purpose, looking like I know right where I’m going, even if I head right to the Ladies Room. I put on my “I am so important and busy,” posture and no one is the wiser. I might be scared to death but if I walk with purpose I don’t look it.

Laugh at Your Phone

For so many reasons our cell phone is our friend, but never so much so as when we need to look very busy or very important or very popular. I will admit that I have, on more than one occasion, looked at my texts and laughed out loud at absolutely nothing, just to appear that I am very much in demand. I hope I fool at least one person.

What are your tricks to looking confident when you are not? We can all learn from each other and grow more confident. I can’t wait to hear from you.

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Look at Your Life as an Adventure

January 16, 2020

Repost from October 28, 2020

When you look down the road at your life, do you see yourself coasting into the finish line?  Or, do you see yourself riding on a stagecoach with arms and legs flailing around your head, hat flying off and wind whipping your hair around your face?  And, which vision do you like?  Do you see living the rest of your life on a cushion or do you look at your life as an adventure?

If, when you think of the future, you see a life in which you put the brakes on way too soon, don’t worry.  You still have time to re-invigorate your life and make it an adventure rather than a snooze fest.  All it takes is the desire to turn things around. That’s it.  You can start today!

Think Big or Small, It Doesn’t Matter

If you want some adventure in your life, it doesn’t have to be an African Safari.  It can be anything that challenges you: whether it is a bike tour through your town or learning Salsa.  You can decide to learn to use a chainsaw if that is adventurous to you.  The adventure isn’t important, it is the rush that it gives you that makes the difference.  It is the confidence that you feel when you reach and achieve.

Single Travel

Traveling alone sounds horrific to many women I know, but there are so many options that I promise that you will find one that works for you, if that’s what you’re looking for. Whether it is in a group or you are ready to go it alone, there are many travel agencies that specialize in both single travel and senior travel, so you are covered.   There are tons of volunteer opportunities that take you around the world, if that is part of your mission, to help others.  Solo travel may sound daunting, but it can be rewarding and you may meet some new friends along the way.

Learning Can Be an Adventure

Adventure can be many things to many people.  It doesn’t have to mean off-roading  to your yurt on a cliff side.  Or riding an ostrich.  Adventure might be taking a cooking class in a foreign country.  I think that is adventurous.  Riding in a hot air balloon is adventurous to me.  Riding a bike in New York seems like a pretty big adventure in my mind.  Your adventure is your adventure.

The moral of this story is this:  if you are over 50 and single and looking ahead to book clubs and Pilates as the highlights of your lives, you have a long road ahead.  Do not give up this early in the game.  Refuse to make yourself uninteresting and do not be uninterested because if you aren’t interested in life now when can you be?

This is not a dress rehearsal.  Live your life with adventure in mind.

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Every Woman You Meet is Going Through Something

January 9, 2020

I thought that when I hit my sixties my life would be smooth sailing:  kids launched and happy, husband in his most lucrative years in his career before winding down and me continuing to support them all in my older, white-haired way.  Holy cow doesn’t that sound peachy?  Hah!  At sixty-two my children are indeed launched and happy, but that’s where the similarities to my naive vision end.  I moved out of my marital home just before I turned sixty and was divorced at sixty-one.  My hair is brown (you heard me, brown!) and while I do offer my children all the support I can, that rosy picture of what the last third of my life was going to look like is up in smoke.

My Life Looked Rosy

Since the time that I left home, I have met and talked with so many women, single and married, 50+, and if there is a common thread it is this: no one, not one of us, isn’t going through something.  And, I’m not talking about a hangnail: I am talking about really difficult issues, whether with the children, health and the health of loved ones, marital status, or a combination of these, every single woman is carrying something heavy.  I know that my daughter would like to forget the number of times that she’s heard me say,” No one goes unscathed.”  It seems like I say it more and more frequently than I ever would have imagined.  I used to believe that there were people who honestly did have it all, who got it right, who were lucky in life.  And, while that may be true sometimes, from my vantage point, it doesn’t happen often.

So, think of all the women you come into contact with every day, every week, every month.  There are a lot, I’m sure.  Now, think about the fact that maybe half of them are really struggling with something personal and intense.  The lady next to you in yoga isn’t being very friendly.  The woman ahead of you in the grocery store line didn’t look up and notice that you only had a couple of items and could have easily let you ahead of her.  Your friend hasn’t returned your call in a week.   You always meet your sister for lunch on the last Friday of the month to catch up and she canceled last minute.  Rats!  Those all make you grouchy, right?

Put On Your “You’re having a rough day, aren’t you” Glasses

Now, put on your “you are having a rough day, aren’t you” glasses and see how you feel about those little annoyances.  Not that big a deal are they?  It’s amazing how your attitude toward someone can change when you take your own feelings out of the equation and give the other person a break.  Cut them a little slack, just to be nice.  Changing my attitude about the day ahead and the people around me has made me softer, and happier, as well.  I feel more compassionate, without really having anything to be compassionate about.  Just trying to give the people I come into contact with a pass when they aren’t at their best, creates a “reflection” of compassion back toward me.  Others are treating me with more compassion.  They are kinder to me when I am kinder to them.  That golden rule thing really works!

So, my message to you is this:  every woman with whom you come into contact is dealing with something.  If you treat her with that in the back of your mind, you will feel good about yourself while you empathize with her.  You don’t have to know everything going on in someone’s head to know that you can help make her day a little bit better.

Has there been a time when someone made your day without knowing it?  Were you struggling with something internally?  I love reading happy stories!

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Are You Living the Life You Envisioned?

April 15, 2019

Are you living the life you envisioned? I bet most of you are shaking your heads about now and saying to yourself, “No, I am not.” I have to say, I’ve been so focused on the fact that being single wasn’t part of the plan, that I didn’t realize that I am actually closer to my vision than I have ever been in my life.

I am single. I didn’t expect to be single, although that thought seems ridiculous now. But, I always saw myself as the married mother of three for the rest of my life. That didn’t happen, so my happiness was over. I had failed. I saw my divorce as the tent pole for everything, rather than one piece of the puzzle.

Recently, I’ve been evaluating my life and what’s missing and how I can make it better and the truth is this: the only thing missing in my life is that marriage. And, it was a terrible marriage. It wasn’t happy, it wasn’t healthy, it was not right for me. I have been so mad at myself for not picking the right guy, for not making it work with that guy, for not being able to hold on to that marriage no matter what, for failing at marriage. It is time to stop.

The only opinions that matter to me about all of that are my children’s and they don’t see a failure. They actually see a woman who was able to take all of that and reboot.

I am actually the closest I have ever been to living the life I envisioned. There is one piece missing, but that one piece isn’t everything. I am not married to the father of my children. That’s all. But I have a great life, I love my life. It actually looks like a life that I could have envisioned all those years ago, with a couple of exceptions. I am proud of it.

So again, I ask you, are you living the life you envisioned? What’s missing from it and are you letting one missing link takeover your wellbeing? Re-evaluate where you are, where you want to be and I feel certain that you will be closer than you think to your dream.

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Big Changes are Coming to Starting Over at Sixty

November 25, 2018

Starting Over at Sixty has been a labor of love, a love letter, from me to you over the past few years and I get excited every week when I sit down to write my post:  I feel like I am talking with best friends.  But, I’ve been wanting to connect with you, my sisters, on deeper, more personal levels.  I want to strengthen our community of single women, 50+, through discussion, through the sharing of best practices and through offering solutions to the many issues we all have in common.  I want Starting Over at Sixty to be your go-to resource when you feel like you need strength, when you feel like you need understanding and when you feel like you are confused by the direction of your life.  Because, everything you want is within reach, you just might need a little direction finding the path.

So, in the coming weeks, you will notice a re-vamping of Starting Over at Sixty.  For those of you who love what you read, thank you, and don’t worry, the site will continue to contain all of the original content that you enjoy and I will continue to speak to you through writing about my experiences.  In addition, for those of you looking to be a part of a strong community of women, you will find it here.  You can subscribe for more pinpointed content just for you: content that will lead you along a path of action, a path of self-improvement and a path toward the happy life you are looking for.

But, there’s more.   If you are lonely and looking for a way to turn your life around, I can help you.  If you are isolated and looking for direction toward the life that seems to elude you year after year, I can help you.  And, if you are tired of waiting to charge up your life for the next chapter, I can help you.  I want to be your “wing woman.”  Through one-on-one teamwork, we will get you moving forward to the life you have been dreaming about but have been unable to attain.

I am offering so many new ways for you to “use” Starting Over at Sixty as your inspiration and as your community.  It should be your warm blanket and your kick in the pants at the same time.  Get ready to start changing your life!

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