self help
Repost from 4/29/2020
I spoke to a group of women several months ago about confidence. The group was composed of women over fifty, some single and some not. About halfway through the discussion, I realized that my talk was not resonating with the whole group. It was falling flat. I could see some faces glazing over, and I learned a valuable lesson that night.
When I speak with other single women about confidence, they are all ears. We single women 50+ know that confidence can often be lacking in our lives. But, I think it’s not as critical for our married counterparts. Hmm.
There are lots of reasons for a lack of confidence that we share with our married sisters: our parts are all starting to break down a little and we all sometimes feel invisible. But, when I became single after 32 years of marriage, I realized that there was one confidence buster that I didn’t even know existed. Entering every room alone. That’s it for me. 100% of the time entering the room alone.
Seems silly doesn’t it. But it’s true and it’s there always. I’m not talking about grocery stores and gyms, of course. I know how to do that. But here is a shortlist of the places that I might walk into alone often: church, weddings, restaurants, funerals, movies, sporting events (well not really), concerts, graduations. Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone. And that can easily eat away at confidence.
Close your eyes and think about yourself when you were a young woman for a minute. Remember when you felt like you owned the room? Like you were vital to what was happening? Like everyone would want you to sit with them? I try to muster up that feeling sometimes now to fool myself into confidence.
The most important trick you can use as you spend your life walking into everywhere alone is planning. I know you hear me talk about planning all the time, but it really helps settle your nerves if you are heading into uncharted territory (let’s say you are fearful that you will run into your former husband at a graduation party).
Make a Plan
Make a plan to meet a friend or colleague at your destination. Ask a friend to save you a seat and try to get there after you think she will have arrived. It gives you someone to look for rather than having a deer-in-the-headlights expression on your face.
Walk With Purpose
When I am going into a crowded restaurant or bar and I feel a little uncomfortable about it, I just head in like I am the most important person in the room. Head held high, walking with a purpose, looking like I know right where I’m going, even if I head right to the Ladies Room. I put on my “I am so important and busy,” posture and no one is the wiser. I might be scared to death but if I walk with purpose I don’t look it.
Laugh at Your Phone
For so many reasons our cell phone is our friend, but never so much so as when we need to look very busy or very important or very popular. I will admit that I have, on more than one occasion, looked at my texts and laughed out loud at absolutely nothing, just to appear that I am very much in demand. I hope I fool at least one person.
What are your tricks to looking confident when you are not? We can all learn from each other and grow more confident. I can’t wait to hear from you.
Read MoreThink about the beginning of the year. January 1st. It’s a time when we make plans for the next 12 months. We promise ourselves that we will do all the things we didn’t do last year. Then we don’t, and so the cycle goes.
Well, I would like to suggest that we treat September like January and see how much we can accomplish in the next few months. Here’s my thinking: the lazy days of summer are behind us and we have a while before the holidays kick us into high gear. Why not make this time a productive and exciting way to say goodbye 2019!
Remember last January when you made big promises to yourself, only to fall short on the follow-through a little? Now, it’s easy to say to ourselves, “Well, I’ll just wait until the beginning of the year to (fill-in the blank). It might be to lose weight, get in shape, become more organized, learn Spanish. Whatever you didn’t get to this year, you can just push it off until after the holidays. No no no, not good enough!
What better time could there be to become more organized than the end of the year, rather than waiting until you have your head in a vice trying to pull together your 2019 records. Or, if you want to get into better shape, why not get started before the holidays so you have some wiggle room going in? Want to learn a new skill? How proud will you be of yourself when you are already on your way by 2020?
As women over 50, 60 and 70, we should be keenly aware of time flying by: we all experience the feeling. I get mad at myself when I do, don’t you? So make a plan to accomplish just one extra thing before the end of Q4. Just one. Whatever it is. I feel happier just thinking about being able to play Silent Night on the piano for my family. And, I can if I make the call to start lessons in the next week or so. I am going to do it. And, I hope you will, too. Don’t let October, November and December slip through your fingers without making the best of them. Your accomplishments will be mood lifters for sure!
What are you going to do to make good use of the last few months of the year? If you want to go deeper into this topic, join us on the Starting Over at Sixty Sisters Program private Facebook page for weekly videos and to-dos to help you propel yourself forward. And, it’s all free in September.
Read MoreStarting Over at Sixty has been a labor of love, a love letter, from me to you over the past few years and I get excited every week when I sit down to write my post: I feel like I am talking with best friends. But, I’ve been wanting to connect with you, my sisters, on deeper, more personal levels. I want to strengthen our community of single women, 50+, through discussion, through the sharing of best practices and through offering solutions to the many issues we all have in common. I want Starting Over at Sixty to be your go-to resource when you feel like you need strength, when you feel like you need understanding and when you feel like you are confused by the direction of your life. Because, everything you want is within reach, you just might need a little direction finding the path.
So, in the coming weeks, you will notice a re-vamping of Starting Over at Sixty. For those of you who love what you read, thank you, and don’t worry, the site will continue to contain all of the original content that you enjoy and I will continue to speak to you through writing about my experiences. In addition, for those of you looking to be a part of a strong community of women, you will find it here. You can subscribe for more pinpointed content just for you: content that will lead you along a path of action, a path of self-improvement and a path toward the happy life you are looking for.
But, there’s more. If you are lonely and looking for a way to turn your life around, I can help you. If you are isolated and looking for direction toward the life that seems to elude you year after year, I can help you. And, if you are tired of waiting to charge up your life for the next chapter, I can help you. I want to be your “wing woman.” Through one-on-one teamwork, we will get you moving forward to the life you have been dreaming about but have been unable to attain.
I am offering so many new ways for you to “use” Starting Over at Sixty as your inspiration and as your community. It should be your warm blanket and your kick in the pants at the same time. Get ready to start changing your life!
Read MoreHere we go: the holidays are here and those holidays offer a mixed bag of emotions for all of us, no matter what our marital status. But, if you are 50+ and single, you may not see a Norman Rockwell painting when you look ahead at what’s coming. So what can you do about that? How can you make the next six weeks happier and less ominous? One word, plan. Plan, plan, plan. That way you can prepare yourself for the potholes in the road ahead and try to avoid them. You have seen these ideas here before at Starting Over at Sixty, but they can’t be overstated: you must plan your holidays so you can stay out of the darkness that can take over when you get loneliness creeps in.
Are you going to be alone on Thanksgiving? First, remember that not all family affairs are perfect. When I was a kid, I thought everyone in the universe was at a dinner table having the time of their lives on Thanksgiving: family, food and fun. I was an only child and so it was just the three of us. That was not what I thought Thanksgiving should look like. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that not all big, family Thanksgivings are anywhere near perfect, but we do romanticize the day. That being said, many of us have that perfect vision, and when we are left out of it, our hearts are a little broken. So, what can you plan for on Thanksgiving? It’s a good day to take a long walk, to watch the parade and to watch the dog show. It is a great day to go to a movie, or even two. Make a plan to see someone, anyone, at some point during the day so you are not 100% isolated.
Christmas Eve and Christmas are big family days, of course, and I know that I used to dread waking up on Christmas morning alone. But, I also don’t like it when my adult children leave to move on to other family celebrations that don’t include me. So, when I can, I take the afternoon-evening shift so when they get there they are all mine for the rest of the day. I go to church if I am alone on Christmas Eve because it takes my mind off myself for a while and puts the joy back in the holiday. That’s just me. You can choose to do anything you want, but Christmas Eve always feels like a more sacred, joyous time, and you might want to enjoy that feeling, whether you are alone or not, whether you are Christian or not. It is my favorite night of the year. On Christmas, I can get through anything when I know I have something to look forward to.
Now, for New Year’s Eve; is there any more hated holiday? I hated it when I was young and single, I hated it when I was married and I hate it now that I am old and single. It feels to me like a time to celebrate how painfully aware I am of how fast time goes by! I am happy to see the dawn of January 1st so I can say goodbye to New Year’s Eve. So, I am always proactive for New Year’s Eve because it is not an evening that I want to leave to chance. I have invited friends for a dinner party. I have gone to a comedy club for some fun. And, this year I have planned to go to an Inn for a couple of days to do absolutely nothing! But, the key to getting through it is to do more than get through it: it is to create your own fun. Make it happen!
So, I want you to sit down right now and plan your next six weeks: plan for parties or the lack thereof. Plan for the actual holidays and your possible lonely times. And, plan for the fun, the moments that make the holidays happy and joyful and full of love. Make the most of this time by preparing for the worst and enjoying the best the holidays can offer.
Happy Holidays!
Read MoreI can’t count the number of times I have written a post about loneliness. I think it is one of the most important factors in the lives of single women over fifty, and it is the main culprit in diminishing the quality of our lives if we let it. Some loneliness we just have to accept as part of life and growing older, but if you pay attention to the signs of loneliness and what is causing it for you there is a way to manage it.
Webster’s Dictionary defines loneliness as being without company. That’s alone in my book, not loneliness. Or sad from being alone. Nope, that’s not it either. Then it goes on to extend the definition as producing sadness and bleakness. Now that is closer. But I think I have come up with an explanation for my own lonely times that is helping me learn to better cope.
You need to know this, I love being alone. I always have. It might stem from my being an only child, a child who probably had more privacy than my friends who had three or four or five children in the family. As soon as I graduated from college, I got my own apartment. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like people, I do. As a matter of fact, I am super social. I love to be around lots of people. At the same time, I love reading and knitting and watching television alone. I can entertain myself for hours and days and weeks. Having time alone is awesome.
I am happy to be alone until it hits me that my children and friends are having fun without me! I am talking about holidays or long weekends traveling: when I think everyone is out having fun and I am not I get lonely. I feel left out and I feel sad. So I believe loneliness is not just being alone, it is being alone and missing something. Missing out. Missing something that you used to have or do. I was talking with a woman yesterday who told me that since her partner died she is so lonely. I get that: she had one life that she enjoyed and now that is gone and she misses it. Loneliness is in the missing.
One of the loneliest feelings for me is when my adult children are with their dad, now that I am divorced. It is not that I think they are having more fun with him than they are with me (don’t worry, they are not). It is the feeling that my time with them is cut in half, that I don’t get the whole holiday or visit. Just my part of it. Hate it hate it hate it and that is probably the loneliest feeling in the world.
So what can I do to combat the lonely times in my life? What can you do? First, plan ahead. Thanksgiving comes around every year and this year will be no exception. Get ready for it. I have been planning my holiday, well probably since last year. You don’t have to go that far, but make sure you have a plan in place, whether that is a movie or a Turkey Trot or dinner with friends. Never ever think that you can just ride it out with a good book and a bottle (did I say bottle? I meant glass) of something. You will end up more depressed and feel more alone than you did before. I have three holiday weekends that make me come unglued: Martin Luther King Day, President’s Day and Labor Day. Two are freezing and dark and one signals the end of summer. I know myself and I know I need to plan for those. If I don’t I will be miserable. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just something that keeps me occupied and happy and busy.
So prepare yourself. Don’t let that monster eat you, you eat that loneliness monster!
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