starting over

What’s Holding You Back?

July 8, 2019

So, what’s holding you back? Do you think you’ve conquered every demon you have inside from your past? I thought so, but it seems there’s always one more to squash.

Just when I think I have far surpassed my expectations for my new single life, that little devil on my shoulder brings me back to reality, and lets me know that he’s not going away anytime soon: that there will always be remnants of a long, unhappy marriage that alter my thinking via my emotions. Here’s what happened last week:

I have a little convertible that my husband bought me as a gift about 18 years ago. It was expensive: not something I would ever be able to afford now. I loved that car, but it did not fit with my new lifestyle: I couldn’t put a bike rack on it and I ride my bike a lot. And, if there was so much as a flake of snow on the ground I wasn’t going anywhere until the roads were clear. And, of course, it only had two seats.

I’ve needed to replace the vehicle, but my finances are so different from what they were before, and while I am not a totally material girl, I don’t mind admitting that I like nice things. I started to look but didn’t find anything that fit the bill. Then it happened: the clouds opened up to sunlight and the angels started singing and I found my a-little-less-than-new car. Worry set in that I couldn’t afford it, so I went to the dealership and they worked up the numbers and I walked out with a car. Hooray for me!

I honestly had no idea that my old car represented so much to me, but it did. It was holding me back. It was no different from the feeling I had when I was looking for an apartment prior to leaving my husband: the apartments all looked like the ones I had in college and I just couldn’t face the feeling of defeat. But when I walked into my one-room loft downtown I fell in love. I didn’t have to settle for less, I just had to find something that was me. It was the same with the car. Just because I have less money to spend doesn’t have to hold me back from, well, anything!

I learned a couple of lessons buying this new car. First, I created a solution to a situation that was causing me to feel grouchy, even though it was just a silly car. It was what the car represented that mattered. And, second, the way I was feeling about that car was holding me back. I had no idea. Crazy, right?

Now, I realize that there are lots of little things in my life that might be holding me back, that I don’t change, yet I don’t feel good about either. That realization, in my opinion, is huge. I can tell already that I am full of the most minute instances in which I am holding myself back.

I know, this doesn’t sound like much, but it has made a huge difference in the way I am looking at myself and my life and my past. And, the car can represent anything: a wedding ring, your mother’s furniture, even the house that you got in the divorce that is crumbling around you. All of this baggage, from my car to your house, has an effect on our outlooks. And, just by changing the roles of those “things” in your life, you can change everything.

I hope you will take this post and use it to motivate you to think about the things that hold you back. They can be big or small, but no matter the size, they can be critical to your outlook. I think what I am saying is Happy Independence Day!

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Do You Ever Feel Like an Imposter?

March 10, 2019

On the outside, I think I sometimes look like I have it all, like I have conquered getting divorced at 62 and being forced to change my life and lifestyle. “Mrs. Harer, you seem like you’re killing it,” as one of my daughter’s friends said to me. It felt great when I heard it and for a New York minute, I believed it. But as we all know, looks can be deceiving. I am excellent at putting on a happy face and hiding behind that mask, but underneath I am no different from many of you: I have mountains of self-doubt and plain old fear, anxiety and worry.

Most mornings I wake up in a cold sweat, with my brain screaming at me, “Here I am, alone, for possibly the rest of my life, which I hope lasts for at least 30 more years. What should I do about A, B or C? Do I have enough money for D? What is going to happen if I get sick? What am I going to have for dinner? If a tree (me) falls in the woods (down the stairs in my condo) and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound (will anyone notice that I have been missing in action)? How will I manage E? Is startingoveratsixty.com going to make it? Is it a good idea? Can I afford to take the kids on a family vacation to F? Will I ever fall in love again? Did I remember to feed Red last night? Will I be single forever or will my life be different in 5, 10, 15 years? Is this my final chapter?” And, that’s just in the first two minutes that my eyes are open! Sound familiar?

Certainly, when I was married I had tons of things to worry about, but, though I was in an unhappy marriage, I had an underlying expectation about how things were going to go: whatever was going to happen, it would happen two-by-two. My family structure would be the same. Now, I feel a little bit like I am floating through life: there are no real touchpoints, outside of my children and grandson, where I feel grounded. I’m a floater.

What is it that makes me so fearful underneath my skin? What is it that prevents me from feeling like I’m OK, like I am going to make it just fine, because the reality is that I will most likely be just fine. Is it a good thing to have a certain level of fear? I think the answer is yes, we should all have a little bit of fear that helps us continue to move forward in our lives. It’s like the chain on a rollercoaster as we make the ascent up the first hill: it holds us in line and pushes us at the same time. That constant fear “tension” is what gets me up in the morning and keeps pushing me all day, week and year.

What I know about myself is that I have too much of that stomach-churning fear-tension, and I am trying to spank my own hand when it’s clearly over the top. You know yourself well enough to know whether or not you are rational with your concerns about the future. If you aren’t sure whether your fears are rational or not, break them down. Often, I find that I am worried about something that wasn’t even an issue, like worrying if the snow will prevent you from driving without looking out the window: it’s not based on reality until you know the snow is actually there.

Let’s take a look:

1. If you are worried about money, figure out if you need to be. I often start worrying about money in the middle of the night then get up, look at my bank account and find out that I had nothing to worry about, that I just let my mind wander for no good reason. If you are worried about retirement and money, talk with a financial planner who can tell you exactly what you have and what you need.

2. Worried about your health? Make an appointment with your physician. None of us has a guarantee about our future health, but we can each do our part to improve our chances for continued good health. If you do have health issues, of course, you are worried. You should be and I am sorry that it’s happening to you. The best thing you can do is follow doctor’s orders and be as proactive as possible. I am a big believer that the more you know about your health the more you will feel like a part of your body’s board of directors.

3. The love thing is tricky, I’ll be the first to admit it. That is the great unknown, for sure. I can only give you my take on it. If you are looking for romance, watching romantic comedies on TV isn’t how to do it! I hear from so many people who say to me, “I hate online dating.” Well, guess what, no one likes it. I have never heard anyone, man or woman, say they love online dating sites. But, it is the way of the world. If you have been able to meet a man without a dating site, you are a rockstar! If you do want to add some romance into your life, you need to change your tune about online dating. I do not enjoy it one bit, but I can honestly say that I have met a few very nice men that way, even if we weren’t a fit. I’m not even sure I could fall in love again, but I hope I can someday. Yes, yes, yes I have met a lot of frogs as well. But I try to be open-minded about it. If you say no to online dating, you need to get several cats and focus on them! Ha!

4. Finally, the one topic that I always worry over is my past mistakes. I absolutely hate to tell you that, but it is true. I ruminate over how I got here, and how I got there, and why did I make such poor decisions in my past. This is the most maddening worry because it’s something that I have no control over, yet it uses up lots of my worry time! I hate, hate, hate it! So, when I’m in bed and focusing on the past, I try to switch up my thinking. That’s right, I force myself to change my thought. Like I start to think about ice cream! It doesn’t work every time, but it works once in a while (however, I am eating way too much ice cream).

That’s it. Those are most of the things that I fear and worry about ad nauseam in bed. I try to resolve them by taking action on the topics sometime during the day, so they don’t visit me again the next night. I just hate to spend any of my time fretting over the same worries over and over, and I hate for you to do the same.

Let me know what fears you face when you hit-the-hay and again when you wake up. Can you make some changes to alleviate some of those worries? Do y ou feel like an Imposter?

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Are You Living in Alignment?

July 8, 2018

Three years ago I ran away from home: I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband before he returned from work at 6 p.m.  I moved into a one-room industrial loft, the one in the photo here, that I absolutely loved.  The apartment felt small and safe.  It was the one little place where I could hide from the world while my marriage was crumbling.

Last Saturday I took a giant step in building a happy life for myself again:  I moved again.  I now own my own condo (well, of course, the bank owns my condo!).  I have lots of space and a wonderful view, two stories and the biggest closet I have ever owned (I will post some pictures when the boxes are unpacked)!  And, while it is filled to the brim with boxes right now, it represents a new beginning for me; a new, happy chapter filled with hope and success and family and friends.  “All that, just from changing your address,” you might ask.  Yes! Yes! Yes!  When I moved to my loft, I felt that it was important for it to look like home for my adult children.  I wanted them to know that no matter where I lived, it would be their home.  It might have been just one room, but it was their home.  And that’s what it was, their home.

Now, while this is still their home, it is my home, it is me.  My new place is not a miniature replica of my married life: it is a home for a single woman over 60 who has a full, exciting life.  It is a place where I can entertain, where my children can sleep in separate rooms when they visit (rather than all in one room) and it is a place where I can really start my life over.  There is nothing about it that screams, “I am a sad, sad woman who is having to pick up the pieces of her failed marriage and trudge through life.”  Instead, I feel like it says, “Paula has overcome a mountain of obstacles and look at her now!”

Join My New Program!

So, I am launching a test program for Starting Over at Sixty followers designed to build community among women who are 50+ and single and want to live the fullest lives possible.  I mention it here because the focus of the group will be how to take steps forward in order to live a life on the outside the way you feel on the inside: vibrant, vital and relevant.  I want you to live in alignment!  I hope you will join other women who support each other through this chapter of life. Please register here.  This test group is 100% free and launches August 1, 2018.  I can’t wait to get started!

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Get Inspired by Jaime’s Story

June 24, 2018

I met Jaime in the Harmony Project, a citywide choir for which I volunteer.  But, prior to that, I had met her at the women’s prison in my state.  She was in a recovery program called Tapestry and through Harmony Project, I visit there, singing with the women in that program.  Now, Jaime is on the outside and came to Columbus because she knew she had a support system through the Harmony Project.  She sings in the choir.  I didn’t really know her story but I knew that she always has a smile on her face and is outgoing and making good use of this second chance.  I didn’t know her background but knowing she had been in a recovery program in prison let me know, at the very least, her life had been somehow shaped by substance abuse.  When she sat down and started talking to me my jaw dropped to the ground.

Jaime began by telling me that at an early age, and by early I mean within months after her birth, her life became a series of sexual assaults by nearly every man with whom she came in contact.  She developed Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID, to protect herself from the pain, both physical and emotional.  “Dissociative Identity Disorder made everything bad that was happening to me feel like a dream.  I had to escape that horrible reality to survive,” Jaime told me.  She soon was placed in the foster care system, where she found more of the same abuse.  She thought her luck had turned but her adoptive mother was extremely mean.  Something was still missing in Jaime’s heart.

She married after leaving her adoptive home and had two children.  She was afraid to touch her first child because she was terrified that she would abuse him: it was all she knew.  What was still missing in Jaime’s life was a relationship with her biological family.  She left her husband with her two children and returned to the family that she craved and the love of her biological mother.  But, she had unrealistic expectations of that family.  She said, “I was looking for Little House on the Prairie.  I was always running from something and running toward something at the same time.”

For an extended period of time, Jaime was in a healthy relationship.  She had had another child, a son, who was living with her.  She told me that the man in her life said he could tell when she was “zoning out.”  “He said he could look into my eyes and I was gone,” she told me.  She began to use methamphetamine, which to her felt like reality, something so strange to think about now.  The man in her life took care of her son as she was unable to do it herself.  She was an addict.  She became promiscuous and became involved with a bad guy.

Now she was being trafficked, she was an addict and was being held captive by her “boyfriend,”  Then her life changed.  She was arrested for drug trafficking.   As the arrest was happening she said that she felt relief, the relief of finally getting away from that relationship.

 

To Be Continued…

 

 

Jaime’s story was featured in a short documentary you can view here.

For more information on DID, click here.

 

 

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What is Your Word for 2018? Mine is Goal!

December 11, 2017

I have written before about a little book that I think has lots of tips in a small amount pages. Design Your Day, by Claire Diaz-Ortiz, is a great, quick read for organizing your life, rather than just your sock drawer!  One of the tidbits that has stuck with me is the creation of one word or thought that is your mantra, your go-to when you feel like you are veering off track.  So a couple of years ago I came up with the word “forward” to keep me moving in that direction.  I still like that one and I still use it to “right the ship” when I feel like I am off course.  But, my life has changed so much in the last few years since I am now well into my sixties and single, I thought it was time to come up with a new word that better defines how I want my life to go in the next year or two.  Forward, I am not abandoning you and I want to keep moving that way, and I will always love you as my first word, but it is time to expand my repertoire of directional focus (that sounds like a self-help phrase doesn’t it?).

Goodbye Forward, Hello Goal

When my life was turned upside down and my marriage crumbled after more than thirty years, I constantly felt unstable, like I was walking on a waterbed of the seventies (don’t pretend you don’t remember).  Every step was unstable and I was constantly wobbling and falling and having to catch my balance and try to stay upright.  I spent a lot of time clinging to the edge.  So “forward” gave me a direction and I could keep it in my sights.  It helped me to put one foot in front of the other when I could barely move.  Fast forward (pun intended) and I am perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet now and need to set the bar a little higher.  I need to look ahead farther down the road.

Enter “Goal.”  That is my word for 2018.  I have given it a lot of thought and while I have moved forward quite nicely, I need more incentive to move to the next stage of life.  I am now a fully functional single woman in her sixties, not the weepy sadsack that I was even one year ago.  In my head, I am using goal as a verb, not as a thing but as an action. It is not something to achieve, but the act of achieving it.  After all, it isn’t the achievement that is important but the getting there that makes it worthwhile, that creates inner growth and gives you that “job well done,” feeling. “Goal me,” is how I will think about it in my head.  Kind of a “bring it on,” mentality.

What is Your Word?

During this holiday season, there are often times of sadness, especially if you are a woman who has had to start your life over after fifty, sixty or beyond.  So start now, start right now thinking about a word that can help get you one step closer to where you want to be.  You will know when you have the right one for you.  It will stick in your head and you will revisit it over and over.  Then get going.  You don’t have to wait for 2018 to get started.  However, let me say this:  if your word turns out to be a bust, if it just doesn’t fit, guess what, pick another word.  “Forward” was not the first word I landed on a year or two ago.  I had others but as I put them into practice they just were not right.  Be flexible with yourself.  After all, it is yourself, your word, your motion.

What is the right word for you?  What is the word that is sticking in your head for 2018?  And, what will it mean for you in the coming year?  I would love to hear from you, not just now, but all year long.  I want to know how just one word helps you in your daily life.  Believe it or not, one word can make a huge difference.

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