On the outside, I think I sometimes look like I have it all, like I have conquered getting divorced at 62 and being forced to change my life and lifestyle. “Mrs. Harer, you seem
Most mornings I wake up in a cold sweat, with my brain screaming at me, “Here I am, alone, for possibly the rest of my life, which I hope lasts for at least 30 more years. What should I do about A, B or C? Do I have enough money for D? What is going to happen if I get sick? What am I going to have for dinner? If a tree (me) falls in the woods (down the stairs in my condo) and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound (will anyone notice that I have been missing in action)? How will I manage E? Is startingoveratsixty.com going to make it? Is it a good idea? Can I afford to take the kids on a family vacation to F? Will I ever fall in love again? Did I remember to feed Red last night? Will I be single forever or will my life be different in 5, 10, 15 years? Is this my final chapter?” And, that’s just in the first two minutes that my eyes are open! Sound familiar?
Certainly, when I was married I had tons of things to worry about, but, though I was in an unhappy marriage, I had an underlying expectation about how things were going to go: whatever was going to happen, it would happen two-by-two. My family structure would be the same. Now, I feel a little bit like I am floating through life: there are no real touchpoints, outside of my children and grandson, where I feel grounded. I’m a floater.
What is it that makes me so fearful underneath my skin? What is it that prevents me from feeling like I’m
What I know about myself is that I have too much of that stomach-churning fear-tension, and I am trying to spank my own hand when it’s clearly over the top. You know yourself well enough to know whether or not you are rational with your concerns about the future. If you aren’t sure whether your fears are rational or not, break them down. Often, I find that I am worried about something that wasn’t even an issue, like worrying if the snow will prevent you from driving without looking out the window: it’s not based on reality until you know the snow is actually there.
Let’s take a look:
1. If you are worried about money, figure out if you need to be. I often start worrying about money in the middle of the night then get up, look at my bank account and find out that I had nothing to worry about, that I just let my mind wander for no good reason. If you are worried about retirement and money, talk with a financial planner who can tell you exactly what you have and what you need.
2. Worried about your health? Make an appointment with your physician. None of us has a guarantee about our future health, but we can each do our part to improve our chances for continued good health. If you do have health issues, of course, you are worried. You should be and I am sorry that it’s happening to you. The best thing you can do is follow doctor’s orders and be as proactive as possible. I am a big believer that the more you know about your health the more you will feel like a part of your body’s board of directors.
3. The love thing is tricky, I’ll be the first to admit it. That is the great unknown, for sure. I can only give you my take on it. If you are looking for romance, watching romantic comedies on TV isn’t how to do it! I hear from so many people who say to me, “I hate online dating.” Well, guess what, no one likes it. I have never heard anyone, man or woman, say they love online dating sites. But, it is the way of the world. If you have been able to meet a man without a dating site, you are a rockstar! If you do want to add some romance into your life, you need to change your tune about online dating. I do not enjoy it one bit, but I can honestly say that I have met a few very nice men that way, even if we weren’t a fit. I’m not even sure I could fall in love again, but I hope I can someday. Yes, yes, yes I have met a lot of frogs as well. But I try to be open-minded about it. If you say no to online dating, you need to get several cats and focus on them! Ha!
4. Finally, the one topic that I always worry over is my past mistakes. I absolutely hate to tell you that, but it is true. I ruminate over how I got here, and how I got there, and why did I make such poor decisions in my past. This is the most maddening worry because it’s something that I have no control over, yet it uses up lots of my worry time! I hate, hate, hate it! So, when I’m in bed and focusing on the past, I try to switch up my thinking. That’s right, I force myself to change my thought. Like I start to think about ice cream! It doesn’t work every time, but it works once in a while (however, I am eating way too much ice cream).
That’s it. Those are most of the things that I fear and worry about ad nauseam in bed. I try to resolve them by taking action on the topics sometime during the day, so they don’t visit me again the next night. I just hate to spend any of my time fretting over the same worries over and over, and I hate for you to do the same.
Let me know what fears you face when you hit-the-hay and again when you wake up. Can you make some changes to alleviate some of those worries? Do
Three years ago I ran away from home: I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband before he returned from work at 6 p.m. I moved into a one-room industrial loft, the one in the photo here, that I absolutely loved. The apartment felt small and safe. It was the one little place where I could hide from the world while my marriage was crumbling.
Last Saturday I took a giant step in building a happy life for myself again: I moved again. I now own my own condo (well, of course, the bank owns my condo!). I have lots of space and a wonderful view, two stories and the biggest closet I have ever owned (I will post some pictures when the boxes are unpacked)! And, while it is filled to the brim with boxes right now, it represents a new beginning for me; a new, happy chapter filled with hope and success and family and friends. “All that, just from changing your address,” you might ask. Yes! Yes! Yes! When I moved to my loft, I felt that it was important for it to look like home for my adult children. I wanted them to know that no matter where I lived, it would be their home. It might have been just one room, but it was their home. And that’s what it was, their home.
Now, while this is still their home, it is my home, it is me. My new place is not a miniature replica of my married life: it is a home for a single woman over 60 who has a full, exciting life. It is a place where I can entertain, where my children can sleep in separate rooms when they visit (rather than all in one room) and it is a place where I can really start my life over. There is nothing about it that screams, “I am a sad, sad woman who is having to pick up the pieces of her failed marriage and trudge through life.” Instead, I feel like it says, “Paula has overcome a mountain of obstacles and look at her now!”
So, I am launching a test program for Starting Over at Sixty followers designed to build community among women who are 50+ and single and want to live the fullest lives possible. I mention it here because the focus of the group will be how to take steps forward in order to live a life on the outside the way you feel on the inside: vibrant, vital and relevant. I want you to live in alignment! I hope you will join other women who support each other through this chapter of life. Please register here. This test group is 100% free and launches August 1, 2018. I can’t wait to get started!
Read MoreI have written before about a little book that I think has lots of tips in a small amount pages. Design Your Day, by Claire Diaz-Ortiz, is a great, quick read for organizing your life, rather than just your sock drawer! One of the tidbits that has stuck with me is the creation of one word or thought that is your mantra, your go-to when you feel like you are veering off track. So a couple of years ago I came up with the word “forward” to keep me moving in that direction. I still like that one and I still use it to “right the ship” when I feel like I am off course. But, my life has changed so much in the last few years since I am now well into my sixties and single, I thought it was time to come up with a new word that better defines how I want my life to go in the next year or two. Forward, I am not abandoning you and I want to keep moving that way, and I will always love you as my first word, but it is time to expand my repertoire of directional focus (that sounds like a self-help phrase doesn’t it?).
When my life was turned upside down and my marriage crumbled after more than thirty years, I constantly felt unstable, like I was walking on a waterbed of the seventies (don’t pretend you don’t remember). Every step was unstable and I was constantly wobbling and falling and having to catch my balance and try to stay upright. I spent a lot of time clinging to the edge. So “forward” gave me a direction and I could keep it in my sights. It helped me to put one foot in front of the other when I could barely move. Fast forward (pun intended) and I am perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet now and need to set the bar a little higher. I need to look ahead farther down the road.
Enter “Goal.” That is my word for 2018. I have given it a lot of thought and while I have moved forward quite nicely, I need more incentive to move to the next stage of life. I am now a fully functional single woman in her sixties, not the weepy sadsack that I was even one year ago. In my head, I am using goal as a verb, not as a thing but as an action. It is not something to achieve, but the act of achieving it. After all, it isn’t the achievement that is important but the getting there that makes it worthwhile, that creates inner growth and gives you that “job well done,” feeling. “Goal me,” is how I will think about it in my head. Kind of a “bring it on,” mentality.
During this holiday season, there are often times of sadness, especially if you are a woman who has had to start your life over after fifty, sixty or beyond. So start now, start right now thinking about a word that can help get you one step closer to where you want to be. You will know when you have the right one for you. It will stick in your head and you will revisit it over and over. Then get going. You don’t have to wait for 2018 to get started. However, let me say this: if your word turns out to be a bust, if it just doesn’t fit, guess what, pick another word. “Forward” was not the first word I landed on a year or two ago. I had others but as I put them into practice they just were not right. Be flexible with yourself. After all, it is yourself, your word, your motion.
What is the right word for you? What is the word that is sticking in your head for 2018? And, what will it mean for you in the coming year? I would love to hear from you, not just now, but all year long. I want to know how just one word helps you in your daily life. Believe it or not, one word can make a huge difference.
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