Being a newly single woman in my sixties leaves me a little untethered. What I mean is that I don’t feel anchored, I don’t feel like I am the center of anything any longer. I don’t know where I belong, where I fit in whether it is with friends or out and about where it seems that everyone is a couple.
When I was married, I knew that I was the tent pole of the family. All my children are adults now and are living coast-to-coast. I love that. I get to visit really fun cities and spend time with my children. What could be better?
But, I always knew that I was the center of the family functions, the family issues, the family travel, the family holidays. I was the facilitator. When someone was graduating, I pulled the travel together for the siblings so we would all be there. For the holidays, I made the arrangements for what we were doing. Travel? Here are your tickets and here is the hotel reservation and this is when we will meet. I know it sounds crazy but I can even picture myself standing in my driveway, the driveway to our family home, while the kids are pulling in from a long distance drive, or from being picked up at the airport. That was where I stood 100 times saying hello or goodbye or Merry Christmas.
Now, I am in a small apartment. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But, I am no longer the tent pole, or maybe, there just isn’t a tent. And, I can feel that very strongly. I wasn’t able to verbalize it for a while but something was off, and it was not about the divorce or anything about my day-to-day life. It is just under the surface. I am not unhinged, just at loose ends a little.
My Friends are the Best
The other piece to this is that I have lots of wonderful friends who include me in anything and everything. However, I spend all of my time with couples. Most of my friends are married, of course, they are. I was married for all of the years that we have been friends. We have traveled together. We have spent holidays together. Our children grew up together. I love spending time with them but when the evening is over, I go back to my apartment and they go home. I don’t feel like a whole team. They are still the tent poles of their families. And when it is a holiday, I am either on my own or I am the person they feel sorry for so they invite me to join them. So nice, but I am used to being on the other side of that.
So, this is not woe is me: far from it. I am a happy girl. But I need to find that tethered feeling again. I am looking for something that I can hang my hat on as I move forward in this chapter of my life. I know I will, but if you have any suggestions…
Your pic does not look Grannie Clampett like at all! Loved that article!
Don’t you wish you could know what people see when they meet you?
Hello Paula!
I found you through sixty and me and I certainly relate to your situation. Unless you have been there it’s hard to “get it” but those of us that have had to start over in a whole new world, do! I am now just trying to make a transition to a different life. Being retired and trying to find new friends can be difficult. I plan on joining the local gym, perhaps meet a few new people there. Good luck to you and I look forward to future articles! Thanks, Sue
Sue, thank you for sharing. You said it, it sure isn’t easy.. You have the right idea with joining the gym. That is one of the best places to make some new friends. It allows you to casually interact, without committing a lot of time and energy. I believe that if you cast a wide net, you are bound to find one or two people that you don’t have to throw back! 🙂 And, those two will lead you to meet two more and so it goes.
Keep me posted. Just planning to take action shows that you are on the right track.
Hello Paula,
I too found you on Sixty and me. Single again at 60, suddenly finding myself divorced after a 40 year marriage, certainly seems like a challenge. I refuse to let it define me, and have gone out looking for things to do.
I volunteer at 4 different wildlife conservation groups; I have gone back to work part time with children, joined a small amateur dramatics group, do yoga, visit elderly people who are alone, meet lots of friends, do my garden and d-i-y, and babysit my grandkids.
My week is full, and I have met some lovely people. It is difficult, but it is a matter of choice. I am lucky to be fit and healthy, so it may be more difficult for some, but you never know what is out there until you look for it.
You have the right attitude. Only you can make your situation better, and it sounds like you are doing that. Don’t forget that you will have setbacks, and you will just have to live with them, then move forward. You are awesome! Thank you for reading.
Thank you for the article, Paula. I, too, am 61 and trying to figure it all out again. When my children no longer needed me, I got certified to teach ESL and spent 10 years abroad doing just that. Now that I’m back home again, I am starting over… no friends, they’ve either moved on or passed on…no vehicle.. gave mine to my grandson when I left… no job…and no desire to teach in the public school system or be in charge of anyone, anywhere…and most of all…just feeling invisible staying with my daughter’s busy family and keeping the furbabies company. I do have a large garden, but it’s not enough. I find it tough starting over in a world I, for the most part, can’t really relate to. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not the only one!
I feel for you. It is interesting to me that you have lots of activity going on around you, with your daughter and grandchildren, but still feel alone. The word invisible is the perfect description. And, your garden must keep you very busy, but again, that is an alone activity. I, too, am not interested in being in charge of anything or anyone: I get it. I can say that I find going to an exercise class helps me because I feel better about myself and I see some of the same people two or three times a week. You and I both know that you can’t build a social life of any kind without putting the work into it. If you create opportunities to meet new people, whether it is volunteering or joining a book club or becoming more active in your church, I think you will find that you will feel more empowered and less a victim of circumstance. Remember, nothing you do has to be permanent unless you want it to be, but you may make a couple of friends here and there and you will start to feel like you are making positive moves to better your life. Good luck and I hope you will keep reading! Thank you for your comment.
Thank you for your article. I am searching for a solution to spending night after night alone, eating dinner by myself. I do not like to drive at night nor do my friends. I am wondering how people cope with eating alone every night. I would love to see some feed back on this subject. Thanks
Valarie, I understand completely. And, I wish I had a surefire solution, but I don’t. When I am eating dinner alone several nights in a row, my only way to trick myself into feeling better about it is to watch Jeopardy while I eat! Alex Trebek and I have become best friends in my mind. When I get an answer right, I feel very good about myself. It also helps me to not have dinner very early in the evening. Especially this time of year when it gets dark so early, eating early leaves me with a long evening. And, if nothing else is working, I go to a movie on Tuesday evenings, when the price is discounted, and have dinner in the theater, a dine-in movie. It just entertains me and breaks up what can sometimes be a long evening. Hope this helps and stay in touch.
I’m glad I found your site Paula. It made me laugh to read all the comments. It’s a great reality check to hear others are experiencing the same challenges. I’m in my mid sixties and divorced after 30 years of marriage. While married I hadn’t made any close friends, so I didn’t know how I was going to survive my divorce. However, I found there were lots of ways to overcome my loneliness and I’m happier now than I had ever been in my marriage. I take on-line courses with Udemy that cost as little as $19 – and have learned how to write a short e-book; make websites and create videos using free on-line resources (I send video cards to my grand kids). I watch a netflix movie with my dinner most evenings; and I do a daily on-line facial exercise program and a gentle body toning routine. I also make and freeze interesting healthy mini-meals; and I have joined a church where I’ve met some really wonderful people. I’ve also joined a prayer group – and I come away feeling like I’ve healed all the problems in the world (lol). There never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomplish all I want to do. I thought being divorced at sixty meant my life was over but I discovered just the opposite.
Jenny, you are proof that life can start at any age. Goo for you! I am impressed that you have learned so much about technology and social media. Yes, at our age we can take classes for nearly nothing. It’s great. You are continuing to move forward and that is the best news ever. Please, stay in touch!
Hi Paula,
I too just found your blog from Sixty and Me. I am in the Columbus area…i see you are a graduate of THE Ohio StateUniversity!?. Go Buckeyes. Anyway, phew, after a tough 5 years and separation on and off, I am one month divorced. 37 years married. You are right that we feel better inch by inch. But there are setbacks “Don’t forget that you will have setbacks, and you will just have to live with them, then move forward.” That I am slowly accepting. I have to embrace that reality and trust it will get better. Push to rise above and hold my head up. Faith in God, universe, whatever. I am learning to be accountable to myself first before being accountable to others. I feel I’ve been my whole life. I AM very active, work as a Medical technologist, sing at church, act when possible, getting back to running. Grandchildren 2 hrs away. Still, I am now dealing with the EX bringing his apparently very serious replacement woman into the family at Easter dinner and a wedding right after of a friend of mine(and of family). Daughter says she cannot exclude someone so important in Dad’s life. Understand that plans tend to be made and I am the one who has to fit in. Trying hard to accept that. While it “has been a long time and Dad has moved on”, I really didn’t WANT to divorce, but finally voiced what I needed from husband, and he said no. I couldn’t go back to that relationship the way he wanted it. Getting through the hurt, my own responsibility in the breakdown, and navigating the waters of this “nice” woman for Daddy in my daughters’ lives is a tough one.They met her 2 months ago and didn’t tell me. I didn’t know for sure she existed. I’m not foolish…i new this would happen. But to me…too soon to have it foisted upon me. But I will bring my best self and not be run-over by my ex in my own family.
So, pulling up from the pity-party is tough but the moments do come! I remind myself that I am living more honestly, and more genuinely. I am wordy (one of the complaints of my ex). Thank you for being here….I love finding other women in the same boat (yes, men have difficulty too…that part about caring for others..hard to let go of). Still, thank you for blogging and love, compassion and thumbs up to all of you!…Kathy
Kathy, thank you for finding Starting Over at Sixty and thank you for your comment. Anytime you want to meet for coffee, you can Message me on Facebook. I am so sorry for the difficulties that you have had over the past few years. It sounds like you are on a good path now and have lots in your life: I am in a choir as well and love it. While this is not how you thought you would spend the last chapter of your life, you are making the best of it and that is something to be proud of.
I have not had to spend time with my former husband and any-woman-with-a-pulse he picks up along the way, but remember, that woman is living a life that you did not want. You left your husband because you weren’t happy with him and now meeting someone who is happy in that role should make you breathe a sigh of relief. It is still not easy and I know you would much rather spend time with your children and grandchildren without him there, I get it.
I completely understand your feelings about the children keeping something from you. It has happened several times with me and I have made my feelings known. I try to be honest with them, without including the bad stuff about their dad, and I expect the same. I let them know when they have been unfair to me. It happens.
Like Easter for you, I have a family event coming up and I dread it. I hate the holidays for that very reason, then I get mad at myself for not being excited. I feel your pain.
You are going to do great, though, I can tell. And, at Easter, just take a look at your husband and the woman in his life and remember how unhappy you were, then take a big swig of something and get through it!
Good luck Kathy!