Month: February 2017
I hear the word “tribe” a lot lately. It is a buzz word of sorts. Just as “team” is to the professional life, “tribe” is to the personal life. I heard someone say that the five people who are closest to you say everything about who you are. That got me thinking about who those people are, and while I don’t know if the number five has any significance in my life, contemplating the important people in my life has me beaming with pride. I look at that group of people and there is not one I would trade in for a new model. From my children to my family members to my core group of friends and beyond, my tribe is awesome. I am actually a little embarrassed even to consider my tribe because every member is so strong. I don’t really feel like I deserve the tribe I have. But I am glad I have them.
My children, well, need I say more? They are the most important members of my tribe. What I see in my children is the best of what my husband and I had to offer, without the bad stuff. How did that happen? Or they may be great kids in spite of us! But they have surrounded themselves with quality people too so I feel comfortable with their tribes, as they are an extension of my own.
When I left my home and my husband in my home, I got a little bit of a do-over. It wasn’t conscious, but I had the chance to curate my own tribe to include those people who I enjoy, who support me and I them, who are interesting, and who are full of the things that were lacking in my marriage: transparency, integrity, communication, and trustworthiness. Those are my personal pillars (My tribe has a four-pillared tent for my visual).
So for me, the people in my tribe aren’t a representation of me, they are a representation of who I aspire to be. They each have traits that I want to have or wish I had and elevate me and make me better. When I think about what my future looks like I know now that I can only add someone to my tribe who is of that caliber. Someone who enhances my life and the lives of the people in my tribe.
No one needs to take my advice, that’s for sure, but take a look at your tribe and if there is anyone who brings you down, who brings down the level of integrity of your tribe, it might be time to rethink that relationship. I didn’t know how to do that when I was married, but I do now. Because when someone brings you down, whatever the reason, it weighs on you and it shows. I know it showed on me for years. The integrity of your tribe will always suffer as long as you have people in your life who bring you down or just don’t match up to what you want your tribe to look like. Change that picture in your mind then change your life.
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I am a person who wants to do everything, and I am easily swayed and I lose focus often. I am all over the map. Remember when I wrote about taking an accounting class? I just wanted to feel like I had a good understanding of accounting principles. It was not necessary for me to take an accounting class and as I realized about two chapters in, I hated it. I can read a P & L already, I can read financial documents.
And, how many times have I tried to learn Spanish? I give myself an A for effort, but maybe it is time to realize that I will not be fluent. Fluent? OK, I will not be saying anything in Spanish other than requesting a bathroom and some water. I will not be doing pilates on a reformer at home and I will not be weaving my own fabric. Also, I will not be learning about Scientology and why people seem to follow the teachings. I will not be riding a motorcycle (and I will not be wearing my cool chaps). I will not be jumping up and down on a pogo stick for exercise. I will not be tap dancing. I will not play the piano beyond chopsticks.
My daughter let me know that she just waits for me to get tired of my project-du-jour and then she gets the material “stuff” associated with it (not the chaps). The fact that she has a system for cashing in on my lack of success made me grouchy at first. But, I had been working on making some changes in the way I spend my time and she totally reinforced my thinking.
Re-evaluating where my time goes is helping me see my day-to-day life better, because I feel like I am just too busy for the woman I am on paper. I always seem to be running and I don’t like to live that way. I like being busy, but that hasn’t been fulfilling me as much as I think it should. So, I have come up with a plan for living life the way I like to live it, a plan just for me. If you want to use some pieces of the plan be my guest. I call it PH2.
PHPH (PH2)
Personal, Health, Professional, Hobbies or PHPH (my initials times 2), or PH2. You can call your plan anything you want. My PH2 focuses me in the areas where I want to spend my time and energy and cuts out the other noise.
- Personal: I sit on the board of a small non-profit organization. There are two meetings each month with a minimal amount of work outside the meetings. Maybe one hour of additional work each month. I also belong to a non-profit organization called Harmony Project. It requires me to attend rehearsals on Monday evenings. Through Harmony Project, I volunteer at a Women’s Prison once a week, so that takes up a morning. I have made the decision to focus on only those two organizations over the course of this next year. I’m not saying that I will not go to any other events, but this is where I put my energy. By making this a priority, I have freed myself up to say no when asked to join other groups.
- Health: Of course, like every other person on the planet, I started the year wanting to be more healthy. But, I was not sure what that looked like in my life. So, I have committed to myself that I will workout five times a week. Blocking those times out to makes them happen. Love to get the classes out of the way on weekdays if I can, so I feel like the weekend is mine. I am not super critical of myself if my schedule prevents me from getting the five days in, like during a travel week, but putting workouts on my calendar in advance has really helped me keep those appointments.
- Professional: I can’t say that professional is even a black and white category for me. It is the work that I do to propel myself forward, the work that I do to learn more and grow internally. Starting Over at Sixty is part of that growth. Learning how to write content is part of that growth. I focus on both at the beginning of the week, because they are my most important, timely pieces of the puzzle. I belong to a couple of professional organizations that require minimal work from me, but allow me to grow.
- Hobbies: I like to knit. I like to read. I like to sew a little. I like to go to movies. They are all sedentary interests, I know. And, they weren’t happening often enough for me. By becoming more focused on what is important to me during the work week, I have been able to clear out some time and enjoy what I really like to do.
Use Structure and Intention
Putting some structure and intention in my week, I feel that I am getting more accomplished, I am having more time for what I like to do, and it allows me to say no to other requests. My plate is as full as I want it to be at this time.
If you feel like you are spinning out of control, then stop it. No one will do it for you. It has to come from you but acting with intention
about your time will allow you to have more time, I guarantee.
I may be an old dog, but I can learn a new trick or two! I love learning now so much more than I did when I was younger. And, I’ve come across a couple of online learning options that I thought I would share.
Lynda is an app that offers classes in almost everything digital. You name it, it is on Lynda. It isn’t free, but if you have a library card you may be able to get it free of charge (I have one, yippee). Free is the best! So, if you can get it for free, you might be more likely to try something new, something that you wouldn’t spend a lot of money on. I love that. It allows you to dabble a little.
There is another site that I am wanting to try, however, it isn’t free, no matter how many library cards I have. Masterclass.com offers tutorials from the world’s best, like Aaron Sorkin, Kevin Spacey and Dustin Hoffman. I think I might splurge on Valentine’s Day and spend it with my new boyfriend, Usher. Here’s the link. http://bit.ly/2kGeE20 Now go get your own boyfriend!
Read MoreI love Crocs High Heels. There, I’ve said it. As embarrassing at it may be, my favorite warm weather shoes are Crocs High Heels. I have them in every color. I get to look a little taller and my legs look longer, without the pain and agony of high heels. I admit, that I only wear them with long, long pants so no one is aware that I am in rubber shoes, but I am telling you that once you try on a pair you will love them. I am going to California in a couple of weeks and I was just thinking about where my Croc heels are so I can pack them. If they would make them in closed-toe styles I would have all of those too. Just thinking about them brings a tear to my eye!!
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I have found that when I look back at my life and my friendships, I have a mixed bag of emotions. My family was small, and is now even smaller. We are small but mighty! So, I have had to look to friends to fill some of those spaces in my heart and in my life that others fill with family. And over the past couple of years, I have had to look to friends for the support I needed to move forward in my new single world. I felt so alone when I first moved out on my own I would go to the opening of an envelope if I was invited: I was lonely and afraid and sad. Luckily, that time has passed. I have made some new friends in my new life who I know will be friends forever. And, I have made some acquaintances that will probably remain just that. All good.
As I think about the important friendships of my life, I look at the ones from childhood first. My friend from elementary school that remains the longest and strongest could not be more unlike me. I always say that one day we reached a fork in the road and I went toward the stilettos and she followed the earth shoes path. We have had times when we didn’t get along and times when we didn’t see eye to eye, but that passed or smoothed over or just drifted off as a memory. My other close friend from high school and I are the same way. I remember that we had times when we didn’t speak for months, but I can’t remember why. Doesn’t matter. When I am feeling like I need a pick-me-up I go visit her and we laugh and I come back better. Then there is my long time friend who is often my date! We depend on one another, and we do lots together and it works for us. We get grouchy with each other once in a while then we get over it. We see each other ten times in one week and not again for another couple of weeks, and then back, and on it goes. I would call these people my emergency contacts. The first responders!
Then there are those people who have held me up for the past few years. They wrapped their collective arms around me to keep me afloat. They have their own busy lives and families but often include me and I am flattered when they do. Really! I think it is an honor to be one of the people who gets invited to others’ family functions: I feel like they must think of me as someone who will add to the mix rather than detract because I am not a mandatory invitation. Those are the people who let me be the third, fifth, seventh, ninth wheel. They helped me move to my new place. They invite me to watch games or for holidays. They go to a movie with me when I ask. They help me feel normal. They were a big part of my old life and they are a big part of my new life. And, as our lives change we will continue to be friends.
Who Would You Take to the Trenches?
One of my friends referred to me as a woman who he would take with him to the trenches, along with his wife and mother and sister. I was, of course, flattered. But, I think of that phrase a lot. And I think of who of my friends I would take into the trenches. I add people to my list and subtract them, too, because I also have to look at the friendships that I have lost or dropped. Some were my fault and some were not. I can only know my part in the disintegration of those friendships. Some of them I am sorry about and some I don’t miss one bit. I know myself well enough to know that while I am a good friend to others, I have high expectations of those people I called real friends, and if I don’t find that on the other end, I drop out. If I feel any distrust, I am gone. It doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just not for me at this time. I am pretty solid on the trust thing, and I get anxiety when I am around those people who I can’t trust (enter my soon to be former husband). When I am around anyone I don’t trust, I am so uncomfortable that I know I have to get out of that situation. That is true of friendships, my marriage, a professional environment: I get out.
So take a look at those around you. Do you wish you could make changes, or do you feel secure in your own personal community? The strength of that group of people can make or break your happiness, but you can always make changes. It isn’t a static state, but one that evolves.
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