Month: February 2018
You can learn a lot about yourself by being alone. It’s not always a bad thing. I have learned way more about myself when I am on my own than I have when I am in a crowd. That crowd Paula is happy and loud and funny. When I am alone, I’m just Paula. My time alone means time to think, time to process and time to understand what I like and what I don’t like. And, if you are not a person who spends much time alone, you need to start. It can be lifesaving. Without that time, that time to rest your mind and kind of zone out for a while, it is difficult to get centered. It is hard to fuel back up without putting on the brakes every once in a while.
Becoming Comfortable Alone
I have to say, I have always been comfortable alone. The man I was married to for more than thirty years was not. I was an only child so I always had my own room. I could hang out in my room for hours and hours and do nothing. It was my nest. I would do handstands against the door of my closet hour after hour (what would happen if I had to do a handstand now? I can picture my arms just crumbling to rubble and me landing on my head!) I would just hang around in my room and I like to think that the time was spent making me who I am today. That was the time for imagination and dreaming and wondering why some boy didn’t call me, then deciding I didn’t want him to call me anyway, then crying because that boy who I didn’t want to call me anyway, didn’t call me.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been comfortable being alone. I’ve been lucky enough to have lots of friends throughout my life and loved being in big houses full of other kids when I spent the night when I was young, but I got to come home and spend the rest of my time the way I wanted to, without much interruption.
I was also a kid who learned to sew and knit, so as I grew up I usually had some project going, like crocheting blankets for my parents and friends for Christmas. I could sit in front of the TV making something for someone for hours and be content. I was happy.
When Alone Time Can’t Be Found
Then I got married and had kids and worked outside the home on and off and there was not one minute alone! And, just when I thought I was alone, a baby would cry or a husband would moan and I was back at it. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that without alone time, I was a crab! Looking back, I just needed that time to reset and regroup and get back to center before I went out the door the next day. Life seemed to0 never let up until the kids were out of the house. Boy, did I have alone time then!
Alone When it is Not by Choice
The sad part of being alone is when you are and don’t want to be and it is all there is. That is true loneliness and not fun and not happy. When I was first on my own again I had a lot of nights when I was alone and lonely and no amount of knitting could make that better. I could have wrapped the world in wool and would have still been lonely. I know alone and I know lonely and lonely is not a choice. It is having no one and nothing to go to and it is ugly. Even making the choice to be alone can make you lonely for a while. But the two are not interchangeable and I can be lonely in a room full of people and was for most of my marriage.
So, get to know yourself and know whether you need time alone or not. If that is missing in your life you can fix that. Carve it out. Find that time to recharge. I am aware that I have to have that to be happy. For me, it is as important as sleep, that is certain. And, learn to enjoy that alone time. You deserve it.
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At the end of 2017, after more than three years trying to get divorced, I became a single woman. A divorcee ( very Liz Taylor sounding, isn’t it?). It was a long, painful process. Knowing that the day was coming up, that my life was changing permanently, I decided to give myself the gift of time and travel. I started the year right! I planned to be away from home for the better part of the winter months: in the past January and February had proven to be rough months for me living alone. So I put together an itinerary that had business, recreation and family visits. Yippee!
The bookends of my tour were Social Media Conferences, one in New York and one in San Diego. In between, I would celebrate my birthday and my son’s birthday, I would attend a knitting convention and I would visit with other family members and my other two children. I added some leisure, with the challenge that I had to try new things along the way. some of my travels have been on my own and some with friends. And it’s not over yet. I still have a couple of weeks left of my amazing journey. It has been a blast. Here are some of the highlights below.
Sea Kayaking in Puerta Vallarta. We did it! It’s a little hard on your back but still fun. It was the most beautiful day and the water was cool and the air was warm and I loved it. This island is so pristine that we didn’t even dock the boat there: we just entered the water from the rear of the boat. Lots of people snorkeled, some did scuba, but we decided to stay above water if we could manage that!
I have wanted to try paddleboarding for a while, but I was not prepared to squeeze my big self into a wetsuit in front of all the young people on the boat that day, so I opted to stay on my knees: the water was pretty chilly. Still, I can say I have done that and I liked it and would try it again for sure. It is not easy!
Tom and Don Tootle were too chicken to let their horses gallop, but I did it. Probably not doing it again, though. I don’t think my bladder could take it. I think all three of us were proud of ourselves for riding and we were ready for a cerveza when it was over. It was beautiful at the top of the canyon. Very rocky terrain so it was extra brave of us to make the five-mile ride, don’t you think.
I never thought I would like taking a hot air balloon ride but I did. It is so serene with just the sound of the fire. It gave us the opportunity to get the lay of the land in San Miguel and to see the surrounding areas.
Probably my favorite activity that we did was to learn to make tamales with Marilau at her traditional cooking school. We learned about the flour that is only found in Mexico that she buys at the Grinder (not the dating app). It has a very soft texture, not at all like the corn flour that we use in the states. And, we made a couple of salsas that were mouth watering and added a side dish of poblanos. So fun. I think I might try it when I get home. We grilled onions and tomatillos for a verde salsa. As Marilau says, “Mexican’s do not dip, they spoon.”
I made this tamale my self. Love the traditional plate. I stopped at htree but honestly, I think I could have doubled that, they were so fresh and good.
No matter which direction you turn, you will see a church in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. It keeps me from getting lost: I don’t have to look at a map, I just have to look up and get myself back to La Parroquia.
There are so many topiary gardens around SMA. Even full-size trees are manicured to within an inch of their lives. Really beautiful. This one is on the grounds of a hotel.
It’s time to move on to the next leg of my adventure so I will keep you posted.
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February can be a rough month for women who are sixty and single. I have never cared much for Valentine’s Day, whether I was in a relationship or not. It always seemed forced and competitive and just too much. When the kids were little I remember it being a huge celebration that was only rivaled, in the elementary school, by Halloween. It felt like a popularity contest among the children and among the mothers.
So, during the years that I knew my marriage would be ending it was torture. I thought I wouldn’t miss Valentine’s Day one bit when I became single, but I was wrong. I didn’t love it before, I hated it now that I was sitting in my tiny apartment with my dog, Red, having a pity party. Now, it wasn’t an option so it became important to me. Go figure.
February is Rough
Immediately following Valentine’s Day is President’s Day Weekend and that first year on my own seemed like every single human I knew went away for that long weekend. The weather was below zero and the word long to describe that three day weekend could not have been more accurate. It was bad, I was miserable and I now knew what was like to be alone during the Valentine’s Day week. I told my self that I would never again experience that kind of loneliness over a stupid holiday and a stupid long weekend in February.
Since that bad February a couple of years ago I have made it a point to travel during the middle of the month of February in order to avoid a meltdown. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, just one that keeps me busy doing something I love. I might go to my hometown and visit friends, or take a knitting class or visit one of my children. Anything that will keep my brain engaged is perfect for the middle of February.
Now, if you don’t have someone to love on Valentine’s Day, find something you love to do and enjoy. That’s more fun than exchanging a card anyway, right? Treat yourself, get through the rough days and remember Spring is right around the corner.
Read MoreI know as a single woman in her later years, it might be scary to think about travel alone. I get it. I wasn’t sure I could even do it, but I can and I do. As a matter of fact, I have been able to gain confidence through travel on my own.
When it comes to vacations, my former husband and I had such different ideas that I now realize that I have been traveling by alone all my adult life. There is hardly any difference, except that there is not another body at the dinner table. But if I am honest with myself, that was all my husband was when we went on trips, another body. He was always very busy checking scores: it seemed to be a full-time job. His other activities were finding a sporting event in the area to attend, finding a local golf course and finding a sports bar to watch sports-anything. So, to say that traveling by myself is new isn’t quite accurate: I have always made my own plans for travel.
Gain Confidence
So, if you want to travel as a single woman but feel unsure about it, start small. My adult children live in great cities around the country, so if I am visiting them for a weekend, I usually add a day or two on the beginning or end of the trip to scout out shops, restaurants and culture (OK, no culture). That is the perfect way to to make arrangements for travel with the safety net being your children or other family members.
I have also found that registering for an event or conference that sounds interesting to you is a great way to travel alone. You meet people there to maybe have dinner with or at least sit next to for the day. I am a knitter, so once a year I go to Vogue Knitting Live in New York. I take classes during the day for a couple of days, see a play, try a new restaurant and do a little shopping on the extra day that I add in.
All these baby steps will give you the confidence to do more. And, confidence is sexy.
Some Trips are Better Than Others
So, those are easy, right? Not all travel is that easy alone. I had to spend about a week in Florida by myself last year and you might think that would be heavenly. It was not. I sat by myself on the beach all day watching lots of families having a great time. I rode a bike during the day by myself. I then would force myself to go to one of the local restaurants and get something to eat at the bar, hoping to have someone to talk to during dinner. I did not. Then I would go back to my sad little room and do the same thing the next day. The lesson learned? I don’t need solitude. I am single and I have solitude out the wazoo! I need a little interaction. Now, if I want to take a trip somewhere and don’t have a companion or plan, I look for classes in the area. Cooking classes are number one on my list because you interact with the natives. They can give you ideas as to what to do and what to see in the area. It can be anything, just use it as a way to talk and interact with locals. You have to give yourself a little push now and then when you are on your own but it is worth it.
So, now my story about confidence and learning about myself through travel. Yesterday I decided to go horseback riding, which is something I do not do. I wanted to expand my horizons, and I did. I learned that I will have much more confidence if I ever do that again because I will wear a Depends!
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